life is an adventure

Why I do what I do:

2012-01-25T12:27:00.002-06:00

Some Littles here at Shelterwood know from the day they arrive that they need to be here. They become self-aware, they confront issues, make changes, of course there are still struggles and temptations, but in the end they come out stronger than they were when they came in.

Other Littles take a while to realize they need to be here. They take each day as another day to be miserable and locked down. Eventually, though, some of them come around. It may be a phone call with their parents, or an encounter with God - something triggers a desire for change.

Still others stay miserable. They maintain a mindset that they were sent away to hell and their primary goal is to make everyone else's lives hell until the day they finally get pulled from the program or kicked out.

There are a couple of guys who fit into that third category who all left the program around the same time for various reasons. One of them is a little bit infamous around these parts.

Just a few hours ago, he posted the following on Shelterwood's Facebook page. I know it's a bit lengthy, but it really is worth the read.
(Disclaimer: This is unedited, except to remove specific information for privacy purposes)

"Why i was at shelterwood i thought it was hell and wanted to leave the whole time i was there. I had respect for almost no one there and fought every rule pretty much to the day i got pulled. I made a lot of great friends there and went through a lot of life changing things. I thought since day one of me being at "The Wood" that i should have never went there in the first place. I thought everyone else was in the wrong but me, and that i was just the victim in the situation.

Well now i've been home for around _ months and cann now honestly say i should have never left the program. I honestly never even gave shelterwood 1 single chance to change me, and i wish i had. I never really gave God a chance to change me there and i wish i had because now life is so much harder and not all its cracked up to be. I feel like shelterwood is what you make of it just like this kid "_____" said in his graduation. And from day 1 i made shelterwood hell and thats exactly what i got was hell.

While i was there i saw the kids who were graduating as a bunch of loser or kiss ups and if you really knew me i would of used completly different words than that. While i was there i met kids who faked there way through the program and you can easily tell they did based on there actions today. And everyday i wonder what my life would have been like if i stayed and made it completly through the program. I mean if you ask someone who is there now what was it like to know _ while he was at shelterwood they would probley tell you is a party all by him self or _ treaeted people like s. But those people that i treated like S and thought all i was is trouble are the people who really didnt know me. Im a loyal friend and if i tell you i got your back i always got it.

I wish i never left because the things that happened when i came home were not at all what i promised and promised and promised my mom would happen. So i guess the main reason i wrote this was to have some of the bigs who knew me and some of the littles who knew me just i know how hard it is at shelterwood. believe me. I was probley one of the worst littles to ever go threw that program and it kills me to say it but not graduating was probley one of the stupidest choices i have ever made because shelterwood was the perfect place for change and i just made the worst of it. i know some of my boyz from shelterwood will see this and be like wtf dude shelterwood was worthless and what i would say to yall... is that we never completly gave it a chance and if we did think of how much easier our lives would be today. i just am sorry for all the hell i gave evryone why i was there well alost everyone anyways bye i guess"

Even if we don't see it, God is working.
This is a kid that gave trouble to everyone all day every day. But even he is still malleable in the hands of the Lord. His time here was not a waste, but served to show him the potential he had for growth.

Even if we don't see it, God is working.
This is truth.

Messages like this are so reaffirming that what we do here is valuable. That God will use us, even in our brokenness (or especially?), to inspire change and to set examples for people He so desperately wants to claim for His Kingdom, to release from bondage.

Be used.
And be encouraged that what you do, wherever you are, is not in vain. We may not see the fruit, but God does.

living well.

2012-01-23T17:56:00.001-06:00

We are called to live each moment in a way that glorifies the Lord. The things that we do with our free time, the places our thoughts go as we wait for our coffee to brew, even the mindset we have when the person in front of us has to use three different credit cards before one is accepted - all of those things, the small things, define our lives.

I've heard it said that if we are faithful in the small things, we will be faithful in the big things. It is a message I tell to the teens here at Shelterwood all the time - that if they can be honest when asked about small things like their homework, then they are more likely to be honest when they are confronted about choices they have made, more trustworthy when asked hard questions.

Those pieces of our character make up the whole. Those pieces of our time make up the whole. If our thoughts are pure, they honor the Lord. If our free time is spent well, it honors the Lord. If all of the small things are well, then our lives honor the Lord, and isn't that the chief end of man?

It is so easy to excuse our selfish thoughts, to ignore the man who needs help picking up the change he dropped, to spend spare moments on nonsense. God calls us to a higher standard, where each moment is one of value, an opportunity for intentionality.

Reading a piece of fiction, if chosen well, enhances the imagination and brings concrete thinking into an abstract story. A work of non-fiction compels you to think, to process the information presented, to filter it, and then integrate the valuable pieces, ultimately building into the mind with which God has gifted you. Checking in with a friend reconnects a relationship that could serve to glorify the Lord in the way that conversations are uplifting and refocusing. Enjoying oneself is a manifestation of the joy and life and we have been given. Intentionality.

So we must live well. We must take each moment as another chance to love well, to live well, and to honor God.

My mentor tells me that I should ask each morning for "Grace enough for today."

Lord, give me grace enough for today. Make my moments ones that glorify you, so that I may live in a way that pleases you.

Living well.

a new year.

2012-01-10T21:49:00.001-06:00

2012.
It's a new year and new job and a new schedule and a new.. everything, it seems.

What an exciting time it is in this ministry! God is doing some incredible things, and I am anxious to see where it all leads and how He will use it to further His Kingdom and bring healing to these teens (and to the staff, praise God).

The new Big Brothers and Sisters arrived last week. Let me tell you, they are God-sends. So very different from one another and from the Bigs we already have, we will all come together to form a pretty excellent team, I think.

And my role is different now, as I mentioned a few weeks ago. I get to still spend time on coverage in the house with the Little Sisters, as I did before. I also get to take Bigs out on one-on-ones. Which means intentional time to care for them over a cup of coffee or a soup and salad. It's so neat to hear their hearts and just.. be there for the Bigs, old and new. It seems like I am seeing whole new sides of them, now that I have the energy and brainpower to devote to them. I. Love. This.

Not only that, but the task-oriented side of me gets satisfied through administrative tasks for the office. Somehow, I find a sense of accomplishment when I complete a project or a to-do list, and this piece of my position helps me to feel that.

And THEN. Well, I'm working on a small group curriculum for the Little Sisters that the Bigs can lead. And finally my background in Bible, in youth ministry, AND in education/curriculum development come crashing together into this residential context.

All this to say that I love how God orchestrated all of this. I love that the things I have studied are being used for God's glory. I love that I get a good mix of many different things, but most importantly, that I get to spend so much time with Bigs. Seriously.

I don't really know what the purpose of this post was, except to, perhaps, share in my excitement. God is good and He is faithful to do what He says He will do.

aging.

2011-12-26T20:12:00.001-06:00

I saw my grandparents this week.
After making a trek to the northern parts of Minnesota, I saw them for the first time in a year.

Grandma, the last time she visited
Green Bay - Fall 2009

The once-alive face of my grandma and the smiling eyes that once lit up a room are now dark and empty. Her gaze fixed on a point on the wall, she doesn't make eye contact with anyone anymore. Her giggles would make everyone laugh along, but they have become rare and, even then, untimely.

Grandpa used to be always moving. He couldn't sit still, and now that's all he can do. Sure, his power chair slowly carries him all over the nursing home, but he is as sedentary as ever. He still understands most things, but his speech is slurred and the non-use of his left hand has left him unable to even play cards or read a newspaper on his own. He cries a lot - He never used to do that.

Tonight, Daniel and Kristen played a few songs on the piano and sang a few more. During the Christmas carols, we all sang along - Grandma too. Happiness shone from her face, a simple reminder that there was still emotion, still some coherence under that thinning, silver hair. When Grandpa saw her glowing as she was, his eyes welled with tears. He sure does love her. Someday I hope to have a man who loves me the way that he does Grandma - It's beautiful.

The songs were nice, but the rest of the time spent together was in forced small talk. Nothing of any substance at all. We looked at the atlas to show Grandpa where he is on the map now that they've moved to Minnesota. We hung some pictures on the wall. We ate some Christmas cookies. We laughed too much, the nervous kind of laughter, so to fill the silence.

It's strange, this whole aging thing. It just seems unnecessary, doesn't it? When people you've spent your life with don't even recognize you when you visit them. When the things they say don't have any relevance to the current conversation or situation. The mind is supposed to be our most valuable asset, right? We are commanded to love the Lord with all of it. We are given wisdom if we ask for it. We constantly engage the mind in order to develop and strengthen it and all its necessary processes.
And then we lose it.

It reminds me that this life wasn't made for us to just get paid a lot or for us to enjoy it as much as we can. All of that doesn't matter if you're just going to get old and forget that it all happened and lose everything you've worked for.

No, the purpose of this life comes from outside of our earthly understanding. It comes from outside of these dying bodies in which we live. We are called to know the God who created us, to worship Him, and to bring others to do the same. Christ came to bring redemption, and that is what we must rely on for hope. This is the only the beginning, as we are to spread that beautiful story of redemption to everyone we meet, lest their lives be meaningless.

Somehow, we will get through the painful conversation that will surely happen again tomorrow morning in the sterile rooms of this Detroit Lakes nursing home. And, again, I will have to remind myself of the beauty of life despite the agonizing deterioration of man during the dying process.

Life in abundance.
Life that has meaning.
Life that comes from the Lord.
God grant us a daily reminder.

Resting in His promises.

2011-12-18T19:36:00.000-06:00

Five days until I will be heading back to Green Bay. Not for good, as I once thought, but until the new year. This break is considerably longer than the rest, and I am eager to actually feel some rest that lasts longer than the three or so days of my normal breaks.

All this to say that I'm ready for a break.

You know what else I'm ready for?
To be back here two weeks later and start in a new position :)

That's right, I'm staying at Shelterwood for another year under the title "Residential Intern."
It's a pretty cush position, really. It's 45 or so hours per week. 45. Right now we work 80+. I can have a life that's a little bit more "normal," more scheduled, more... free. And I am excited for it.

The position is designed in such a way that I still have time on coverage in the house, but I get to disciple the Bigs and help with administrative tasks - things that I've been wanting to do, but haven't had the opportunity nor the energy for.

God is faithful, is He not?
I knew months ago that I wanted to stay here for more than a year. I just.. knew that I would. Then all of the positions I thought I might move into were filled or eliminated and it seemed a hopeless cause. But God is certainly not hopeless and His promises are for real.

waiting. anticipating. 'tis the season.

2011-12-03T17:10:00.001-06:00

Last year, I began to learn what the advent season is really about.
Today I read over my post from the onset of last year's advent season to remind myself of this beautiful gift we anticipate in the weeks approaching Christmas.

God Himself came to earth. He really came.
He came and was near to us. He came to experience brokenness. To make whole.
He came for us, to reconcile us to Himself.

Let us remember why this season is even a season at all.
Celebrate.
Enjoy.

Gordon Conwell puts out an advent devotional every year and sends it daily via e-mail. It is a convenient reminder every day of what this season is about. This year, unfortunately, they did not put out a new one, but have last year's accessible online. Check it out here.

redemption.

2011-11-27T22:31:00.001-06:00

The effects of sin run rampant through the rivers and tributaries of society. Infiltrating even the farthest reaches of the world, evil is the motivator for nearly all that we do, and then we spend our careers trying our best to curb its effects.

We entertain ourselves with television that sometimes leads us to desire the lives and possessions of a character who isn't even real. Then we use our credit cards (money we don't have) to buy those things, only to find that they don't make us happy. We subsequently either become employed by the companies that produce and market said merchandise to equally envious people, repeating the cycle, or we work in the financial realm to make more money from what they have left, paying off their debt, but accumulating more and more money to satisfy greed and the selfish, worldly tendency to hoard.

Even the seemingly all-positive-and-helpful social services field is meant to lessen the effects of sin. Social workers strive to make homes and families the safest environments possible, while doctors fix our bodies that get sick and broken (Amazing, however, that there are specialists for each and every part of the body. It says a lot about the intricacy of our bodies and the omnipotence of our creator. Another topic for another time...). Counselors work to help us process and heal from events and people in our past and human resource departments intervene in inter-office conflict and help manage the relationships that shouldn't be broken in the first place.

All to "fix" the effects of sin in our world.

Oi. Today as I drove from Green Bay back to Missouri, this is what kept going through my mind: "Is my life really just meant to help curb the effects of sin? Really?"

Each billboard I saw was either trying to get me to buy a product I don't need, go to a store nobody should ever go to, or watch a show/movie that assists is the dissolution of a biblical worldview.

Hope.

Messiah.

Redemption.

The Kingdom.

Shalom.

These words are what provide an ending to this cycle of misery. God is here. He isn't just coming in the future, but He is here now. Christ came to bring life in abundance.

Rather than live in cycles of sin,
Live in light of the redemption that restores,
And help others to have that same wholeness that comes from an unmatched Savior.

courage.

2011-11-14T09:30:00.000-06:00

Manifest Destiny: The 19th Century American belief that the United States was meant to expand to the western shores of the continent.

While this idea was devastating for Native Americans and Mexicans, the expansion itself was pretty incredible. The settlers had a dream (albeit a selfish one) and they pursued it even when it meant giving up everything they had, leaving behind everything they've ever known, to explore a land that was unknown to them.

Thousands of covered wagons lined the streets of Independence, Missouri, waiting for their turn to leave for the west. They set their eyes on the vast, open land before them and saw not an empty field in foreign territory, but a land of opportunity, a new beginning, endless possibilities. They had courage and were willing to make sacrifices to make their dreams a reality.

Dream great dreams and find the courage to live them.

The quote lining the top of this blog is one that I've kept at the forefront of my mind for years now.
It's the second half that now gives me pause.

I guess I've just stayed in the dreaming phase for too long. I've had plans, had goals, had ideas, but never could muster the courage to pursue them. Instead, I would accept defeat before I even began running. I didn't run after my dreams because I saw them as an impossibility. The open land set before me was intimidating rather than inspiring.

Recently, however, I took steps to make one of those dreams real, to pursue a desire of my heart. Instead of backing down for fear of failure, I took on an active role in its potential realization. And dang, it feels good.

Why, then, are we such a timid people? Why do we not pursue with vigor the desires that God has placed in our hearts and the promises that He has made to us?

We serve a God bigger than our fears and doubts - a God of second chances and a God of endless possibilities. Let us rest in that truth, but let it inspire us to run after that which is important to God, and thus to us.

support.

2011-11-07T14:08:00.001-06:00

A common phrase around these parts is that people feel "unsupported."
As a fixer, a problem solver, I'm trying to figure out what it means to be supported, and what it looks like to support others well.

When I think of support, I think of a skyscraper. Probably because I miss living in the city a whole lot, but nonetheless, I think of a skyscraper.
The weight and height of a skyscraper is extraordinary.

Before the 19th Century, the tallest buildings were tediously built, brick by brick. Despite the amount of labor put into them, they did not rise very high. Starting in 1891, however, skyscrapers were generally built with a steel framework, and more recently have become even stronger and taller with a new "tube" structure that dominates the construction of new high-rises.

This structure puts the strongest support on the outside of the building, and fills in the rest from there.

It doesn't usually matter what kind of hidden infrastructure there is if there isn't visible, tangible support. I think that's what brings people to feel unsupported - it isn't visible. That doesn't mean that support isn't there, but until it becomes felt for that individual it perceptively doesn't exist. So what does it look like for a person to be and to feel supported?

I think it looks different for different people. For some, they need verbal affirmation and agreement with their decisions and actions. For others, it comes in the form of physical touch - when touched, they feel as if where they are in that moment is right, is good, and it reminds them that others are in it with them. Yet others need to have the logical and the systemic, in place underneath them to know that they are strategically and missionally supported.

While the most prominent of those may be different per person, I think they all play a part. For me, I feel supported by physical presence. Be with me, and I'm more confident in what I'm doing because you're by my side in it. At the same time, I appreciate the verbal so much, because it creates a memory, a line of encouragement that can be replayed over and over. What I do know is that we all must work together and support one another in whatever ways we can so that we can create a structure that can withstand any kind of crisis.

If an architect can figure out how to make buildings 2,700 feet tall (Burj Khalifa - Dubai, it's a phenomenal structure...), we can, through the power of God, develop a support that will support these 22 girls and 9 big sisters. We can.

"A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."
- Ecclesiastes 4:12

surrender.

2011-10-31T00:05:00.001-05:00

my hands hold safely to my dreams
clutching tightly not one has fallen
so many years i've shapen each one
will you take them away forever,
or can i dream again?

"surrender, surrender"
you whisper gently.
you say i will be free.
i know but can't you see
my dreams are me.
- from Barlow Girl's Surrender

I've always had these great notions of "dreaming big," of spendingmy life on something bigger than myself. Here I find myself pursuing yetanother one of those things. Along the way, however, I've picked up morethan I can chew, I think. There are things I dream of doing and beingthat seem entirely unrelated and I find myself time and time again surrenderingthem to the Lord.

Each time I think I've found a way to fulfill them, I am reminded yet againthat I cannot possibly do so on my own.
No, my life is not my own; my dreams are not my own; my plans are not my own.
They come from a greater God who designs each step. He is the one who gives us life, who gives us purpose, who takes every move we make and gives it meaning.
And yet we so easily forget. I so easily forget.

Lord, help us surrender even our deepest longings to you. Help me not to fear that those dreams will be taken away, but instead made better by your grace and power.

forgiveness.

2011-10-26T23:47:00.003-05:00

It's hard, that whole forgiveness thing.

Forgetting the event seems so much easier.
Brushing it off means that you don't have to take responsibility for anything.
Clinging to the hurt, on the other hand, says that you don't have to address it, and you resign yourself to living with it hanging over your head.

Living in bondage.
That's what happens when you don't forgive.
It's pretty miserable.

It feels like something is weighing you down.
And it comes back to bite you in the butt.

The freedom that comes with forgiveness must be incredible.
But how do you get to a place where you're ready for it?
Is it a decision you make to forgive?
Is it a gradual process that ends with forgiveness?
Is it a gift granted by God, the readiness to forgive?

He forgave us of everything. Of the worst of the worst.
We are redeemed.

So why can I not forgive after so many years?

anxiety.

2011-10-18T13:00:00.002-05:00

anx-i-e-ty
noun; plural -ties
1. distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune.
2. Psychiatry. a state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder.

It's pretty common, I think, to be anxious. The mind races, the heart flutters, and the stomach turns over. The situation is different for each person, though. For some, public speaking causes anxiety. For others, uncomfortable situations. Still others experience anxiety when remembering past events.

For me? It's playing piano in front of people who I don't feel entirely comfortable with. It's being in a big group of people who are all talking at the same time. It's overwhelming for me and I do whatever I can to remove myself from the situation.

This happened this weekend. I was playing piano when some friends came to pick me up. They wanted to hear me play, so I obliged. I began to play a song and I froze. My mind was racing so fast that my fingers couldn't touch the right keys and my eyes fluttered across the music, not even perceiving the notes written on the page.

My question is: why?
Why do I get anxious? Where does it come from, and why does it only affect me in certain situations?

Amy tells me that it comes from fear. Fear of what, though? Of people? Of what they'll think?
I think I'm pretty self-conscious of how I play piano. That I find it to be crucial to one's perception of me. If I can't play piano well, then one's view of me may change. And that's not truth. Seriously. Why would anyone's like or dislike of me change based on my ability to play the piano? And yet that's what I allow myself to believe. This fear causes anxiety.

That must be why I only like to play piano when it's by myself. When it's for my own enjoyment and therapeutic benefit. It helps me to process and to de-stress.

One time I played for a while with a friend listening and it was fine. I think it's because I was so comfortable with her already, and then I eventually forgot she was even there. I'm not fearful around her to be myself; I'm not fearful to make mistakes; and I know that her perception of me wouldn't change based on how I played. Sigh. Then why am I so fearful of others?

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, present your requests to God."
Let this truth sink in. Why do we live in spirits of fear when we serve a God who can calm any storm, who "casts out all fear"?

"We are not given a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power and love and a sound mind."

changing seasons.

2011-10-16T00:47:00.003-05:00

There's something really beautiful about fall.

The leaves changing, the winds blowing.
Rocking chairs and knitting, hot tea and sweaters.
It's a pretty spectacular transformation.

I know fall is supposed to be about death. About the leaves dying and falling, the animals hibernating, the plants dying, etc. But what if this is only the appearance of death?
To the naked eye, the changing of fall into winter looks like all of life dying or hiding away while the weather becomes cold and people, too, hide away for the season. Appearance is not always reality. In fact, a tree sheds its leaves and stores its energy inside so that it will survive the harsh winter, so that it can produce new buds in the Spring and still be strong.

What appears to be a season of death and decay is, instead, a season of hidden change, one of collecting, of preserving, of pondering through the scarcity, awaiting the coming life of Spring.

Maybe this is what happens in our own lives too. When it looks and feels like you're in a metaphorical spiritual desert, perhaps that is when it is most important and most valuable to look into your nutrient storage. (Yes, I am fully aware of the ridiculous verbiage I am using..) Seriously, though... When it feels like God is far away, look into what you know to be true. Focus on the character of God; on His faithfulness, His goodness, His sovereignty. Look at the knowledge and faith that have built up over time and allow them to simmer within you, to keep you nourished and faithful through those "desert" times.

Let us welcome this transition into Winter with hearts searching for the good, for growth, even amidst the apparent barrenness of this season.

triggers.

2011-10-11T14:03:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time, I learned about a thing called triggers.
Triggers are small things, memories, perhaps, that bring up attitudes and behaviors in current situations reflective of that past event or person.

I have triggers.
One of which manifested itself last week. I didn't realize it at the time (as if anyone would...), but in forcing myself to continue to process, I was able to navigate through memories that pretty significantly affected my emotional response.

Who would have thought that something I experienced six years ago would come back to affect me so strongly? And yet it did.

A friend told me to just get over it. To let it go. To not let it affect me anymore. His intentions were good, but I think we make ourselves do just that - push it down, let the past stay in the past. When we do so, however, we hurt ourselves even more profoundly. It prevents us from really dealing with the event, which leaves it sitting in the back of my mind for me to address years later after it has steeped in regret and disappointment.

I think that's what it is - disappointment. I'm disappointed in myself. I allowed myself to be manipulated in the same way a second time. This situation triggered an emotional response reflective of that of five years ago, and the process of figuring that out took nearly a week.

For that week, I was a wreck. When people asked me how I was doing, I would crack. If "the situation" was mentioned, I couldn't hold myself together. I cried several times a day for five days because I couldn't make sense of it. I couldn't make sense of the tears, the situation, any of it. Only in allowing myself to feel that way was I able to give myself the time and space necessary to figure it out.

Patience.
We serve a patient God and yet I am sometimes so unwilling to be patient with myself. I expect myself to be able to adjust, to be able to process so quickly and it's just not a reasonable expectation. We must be patient with ourselves.

I'm still not there yet.
Much is left to be learned from this, and I refuse to shove it aside for the sake of easing my mind.

finding meaning.

2011-10-07T20:11:00.001-05:00

Trauma happens.
Emotional strain happens.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do about it.
Sometimes it's necessary.
Sometimes it really is for the best.

Always these things are hard.
Always.

Knowing that it happens doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Minimizing our experiences does ourselves and our memory an injustice.

But then what does it look like to process well? To remember rightly my own actions and those of the other?

Remembering involves more than just me and my thoughts, but it means giving justice to the other. It means finding clarity.

I fight to find meaning in every situation. Even the situations that are hardest.

Maybe that's why it has been so hard to process this particular incident. Perhaps I'm trying to find profundity in a situation that has none; some meaning in a circumstance that was merely chaos. Perhaps.
Or perhaps I need to keep fighting to process well. To not push it aside, but to pray for clarity and understanding amidst the overwhelming thoughts.

There is a bigger picture, with or without immediate understanding.

control.

2011-10-02T23:28:00.000-05:00

Several months ago, nights like this would have left me crying.
Now? Nothing.

It isn't a lack of emotion; no, I've certainly maintained the depth to which things affect me when they are important. Instead, it stems from an inner strength, I think.

When people are upset, they say things they don't mean. When they are angry, they treat others in a way that denigrates the other and dishonors themselves. Words can cut deep if you let them.

I've found that when the girls are upset with me, it's because I've somehow taken control away from them. Like asking them to come inside for various reasons. Suddenly they don't have control over where they can be, and it makes them uncomfortable. Or if I ask them to actually do their homework during study hall, they no longer have the option of talking to their roommates or sitting in the living room, instead having to do the one thing I asked them to do.

These seemingly simple requests mean a whole lot more to people who have just had to leave everything and everyone they know. There's not a whole lot they can control anymore, so they cling to the small pieces that they have left.

But we all do that, don't we? When the chaos of this place makes me crazy, I cling a little bit more to the power I do have over the schedule, over privileges, over.. small things. It helps me to cope with things.

Maybe in the small things it's okay, but to try to have control over our entire lives means absconding with the very sovereignty God has over it all. He is the one who knows everything; He is the one who controls everything; He is the one who loves over everything and has each moment of our lives worked out according to His purpose. Let us walk in a manner worth of the calling we have received and we will desire to serve the Lord in those little moments where all we long for is control. Let us learn to trust you, Lord.

year by year.

2011-09-28T17:26:00.002-05:00

About this time last year, I was in this same place. The year before that? The same place:
Evaluating options for the future. Praying over the future.

Where am I supposed to go and what am I supposed to do?
This year has opened my eyes to so many ways and places where God is working and I want to keep being a part of it. But where?

Part of me wants to continue working in residential care, just in a different position than I'm in now.
Part of me wants to move back to the city.
Another part wants to pick a place, set roots there, and just.. live well in the day to day.
And then there's a part that wants to return to be with my family, to be where I spent most of my life. To live simply and to live intentionally in a place where I used to just rush through in an attempt to make my leaving come more quickly.

And the Lord directs our steps..

"Because I'll never hold a picture of the whole horizon in my view,
Because I'll never rip the night in two,
It makes me wonder
Who am I?
Who am I and Great are You."

process.

2011-09-26T14:30:00.001-05:00

This afternoon I began to write a goodbye letter to one of my dearest Littles. She left this weekend and is coming back to graduate the program on Monday. I already miss her like crazy. Funny how one person can bring such joy to one's life, to a group home of lives.

Process. As I write her letter, the pervading thought is that it's a process. A process of becoming, you could say. For this particular graduate, but for all of us, too.

We are constantly changing, continually becoming more ourselves, more of who God created us to be. If you wanted to be all technical and theological, I suppose the word would be sanctification. But the point is the same - God pursues us and brings us to grow in Him to be the people He created us to be. That doesn't end once we have a degree; it doesn't end when we finish Bible college or even when we finally get the job we've always wanted. No - it is a process. One that continues through each stage of our life, shaping us.

Lord, push me to be more of the person who you've created me to be.

confessions.

2011-09-20T17:59:00.004-05:00

Last December, I finished the classes that I was in so I was just working full-time. I didn't have a whole lot on my plate, aside from planning to move, which left me with quite a bit of free time. I decided that since I had free time, that I would begin to invest in an obviously worthwhile venture: the game of Facebook gaming. I thought to myself that I might as well explore the world of Facebook games when I actually had the time for it. The exploring didn't go very far, because I found Cityville and all my siblings played it, which made it seem a bit more enjoyable than it actually is.

While it was fun for the time, my life got a whole lot busier the beginning of March when I moved out to Shelterwood, but that game never went away. I continued to spend little pockets of time here and there playing this meaningless game, when I didn't even have time to call my family and friends. When I haven't spent a whole lot of time in the Word. When I have so many other meaningful things to do.

Last night I was on the overnight shift, and found myself with a short list of people to whom I wanted to write letters. By the end of the night, the list had only shortened by one, and I had spent the majority of my time on that stupid Facebook time-sucker. At about 6am, my shift was about over, and I began to consider getting rid of Facebook altogether, but eventually decided to just delete Cityville.

A half an hour ago, it became official. It is gone.

This narrative isn't for no purpose - it is to say that if something is keeping you from doing important things, it should be eliminated. If it distracts you from maintaining relationships or, more importantly, from loving and serving the Lord well, it does not need to be a part of your life or mine. Thus the elimination of Facebook gaming.

It's a little humiliating to admit this, but because I just deleted it, that makes it more bearable. And, once again, a lesson is learned by a small part of my life being reevaluated. Funny what God uses to teach and grow us..

healing.

2011-09-14T11:12:00.000-05:00

The other day I watched as a friend pulled a scab off of a scrape on her leg. It's a pretty common thing, I think, to pick off our scabs. An impulse, you could say. Like biting one's nails, tapping a foot, or twirling hair, it's natural, instinctual. Yet to pick off a scab is to restart the healing process.

We have this tendency to reopen our wounds. We begin to heal, and then force ourselves to deal with it over and over again. Trauma tells us to repeatedly process, to keep things in our memory to let them come back up over and over again. Scabs are hard and red and visible, so we pick them off because they are ugly. But the healing process must be ugly so that the end result is full restoration.

We are a broken people, pulling off the very thing that heals us. When we don't rely on God to bring newness, or we reject the way that He does it, we make bigger issues for ourselves. Incessantly picking off scabs develop scars that never go away. We all have them, we all make new ones. But how different would our lives look if we were to trust that God would heal us? How different would our perspectives be if we allowed our wounds to heal fully instead of making them bleed again?

Oh, to trust Him more..

integrity.

2011-09-08T21:20:00.000-05:00

We talk about life being full of opportunities. We say that we have the potential for great things if only we look for opportunities and take them.

But what if the opportunity is for deceit? What if the opportunity in front of you is one that compromises your character? That compromises that which you know is right?

Well, with opportunity we must have discernment or we will find ourselves in a world of hurt and a world of debt with moving violations for illegal left turns. Sigh. The mistakes we make do not have to define us, but we should definitely learn from them.

Sleeping those extra five minutes in the morning instead of being in the bathroom on coverage. Taking that left turn at 5:30 when the sign says no from 4 to 6. Driving a little faster than you know you should. Signing off the line on the list that says you completed the checklist up to kitchen standards, when you know you didn't sweep out all of the corners and maybe left the lowest shelves un-wiped. Walking away with the extra few dollars in change from the cashier's mistake.

Each of these, while minor and generally consequence-free, are tiles of a greater mosaic. They reflect a deeper element of character that pervades one's way of thinking. It's about working hard at all that you do, without cutting corners, in order to preserve godly character, to live up to the potential of who God created you to be.

Integrity.

Who am I when no one is watching and why is it different than who I am the rest of the time?
How do we so easily forget that what God thinks of us is so much more important than what others think and that God knows and sees everything we do?
We are such a wicked and sinful people. Thank God for the Gospel so that in Christ we can be more loved and more accepted than we ever dared hope.

moving to hope

2011-08-30T10:10:00.000-05:00

There once was a girl who cut herself. She chose to cut where nobody would ever see, so made her marks on her hip bones. She thought there was no hope for her to change, so she vowed to get a tattoo from hip bone to hip bone that read "some scars may never heal."

This girl went through life believing about herself that very thing - that she was unfixable, that the pain she had experienced could never be healed, that her heart could never be restored. Then one day she was sent off to a group home where she denied having any issues at all, pretending as if her life was great and her parents simply wanted to make her miserable by sending her off.

Several days after arriving, she was already writing a letter to her parents, admitting to everything. She came, over time, to understand that other people can enter into her brokenness, that Jesus can come into her brokenness, and heal her. She saw that her heart could be stitched back together, that each crack could be filled, each wound healed. A verse that became important for her was Isaiah 53:5: "By His wounds we are healed."

She told me a few days ago that she changed her mind about that tattoo she wanted. Instead of "some scars may never heal," she wants from hip bone to hip bone, from scar to scar, to say "He can heal all wounds."

What a beautiful transformation.
God is faithful, God is Good, and He does heal all wounds.

the greatest birthday gift. ever.

2011-08-25T16:43:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my birthday.
And while I can't say that it was the worst birthday I've ever had (that would be my 19th, hands down), there really wasn't a whole lot to celebrate this year. Things kept going wrong, I was an emotional wreck, and I was continually put in a place where I was working like crazy and didn't have a whole lot of support around me.

Until one of the Littles decided that instead of a group going out to play sand volleyball, they would buy ice cream and have a birthday party for me. It was so sweet..

They all went around and told me what they would give me for my birthday if money and circumstance weren't issues. It revealed to me just how well each of the girls knows me. One gave me my dream car (um. I don't even have one of those, and I'm content driving anything that runs and is reliable.). One gave me a shopping spree (no thanks?).

But one girl... One girl said, "Erin, I would give you a wonderful Christian man who loves you and loves Jesus, who has a stable job and a home in the suburbs of Chicago where you can see the skyline and be a part of the city life, but where you can still see the stars and have open space."

Ohhhh, that girl knows me. Every piece of that sounds just... wonderful. And yes, it would be one of the most incredible birthday gifts I could ever get. We combined all of the girls' gifts to make the most phenomenal birthday ever. Here is what I remember of it:

I would go on a shopping spree to buy new clothes and choose a new iPhone, so that I could use a day off to book a flight (on a ticket that never expired and can be used multiple times to wherever I want) on my new iPad to go to Chicago where I would arrive to my dream car which I would drive to the suburbs to meet that wonderful Christian man. We would own a new home, and have our own genie to grant our every wish.

Sounds like a pretty great birthday gift, if you ask me.
Now if only it would really happen...

sleep deprivation.

2011-08-25T05:49:00.001-05:00

This is a different place.

New Littles, new Bigs, new procedures, and new schedules have created an environment that is so vastly different from that of a month ago.

Like right now, I'm still awake at 5:30am on night watch. I sit drinking the very Red Bull that I once loathed, the Red Bull that I once said tasted like urine and now it's the one thing keeping me awake through this night of every-15-minute checks on the girls' rooms. It's a new thing in our schedule, and I think I like it (except that I've had to resort to Red Bull to get me through it).

It's too early in the morning to write a real post. So this is it, I guess.
At 6:30 I'll be going to bed. And I look forward to it. A whole lot.

I think this is the first and last night watch post that I write, as it so very clearly has no content except that of a deranged, overtired, caffeinated, stressed, emotional night watch perpetrator.
Good night and good morning.

change.

2011-08-18T16:09:00.000-05:00

It's inevitable.
Things change, people change, and directions change.

The important thing is to seek after the Lord in all of it. To pray for adaptability because things are not stable.
I've made a sort of idol of stability. I desire it more than anything. Even as I look at my future, I dream in a way that shows me having a house and a family, a husband who has a stable job, or at least having one myself.

It's okay to dream. I know this. But I turn it into a plan. My plan. Not God's.

To desire God more than I do stability is difficult, but it must stem from knowing and loving this God. To know Him is to believe in Him, and to believe in Him is to trust Him. To trust means to rely completely on His promises as good and right and true.

Dream. But let God be God in and through your dreams.
(this is a message/reminder to myself as well...)

meet my friends.

2011-08-14T23:34:00.001-05:00

I would like to introduce you to my friends.

Brooke and Jen have been awesome here at Shelterwood. Not only have they been my music gurus, they are an emotional support. They, and several others, cry with me, laugh with me, and make my time here really something bearable/wonderful. I love them. So much.

It is post-summer break here and things are pretty fine. Yesterday was spent at the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art, Krispy Kreme, putting on ridiculous fake tattoos, picnicking at the park, playing sand volleyball, and painting. Sound fantastic? Well, it was. And today we all went to Redeemer Fellowship for church (only the church that I wish I could be more involved with and the one where the preaching reminds me of New Community Covenant Church in Chicago). Having a "family lunch" at Chipotle followed by some time at the Plaza (mostly Barnes and Noble) was everything that we all needed today. An hour-long all-house rest time, a quiet dinner, root beer floats and a night swim made for a great ending to a weekend that continues all week long!

Now that I've given a nearly minute-by-minute summary of my weekend, I think I'm going to sign off for the night. Feel free to give me a minute-by-minute summary of your weekend too, since that's the new cool (narcissistic?) thing to do.

enjoy becoming.

2011-08-09T22:34:00.000-05:00

Today I got to do so many things I enjoy:

Went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned (I really do love this :))
Ate lunch with my family.
Went for a run.
Played piano.
Bought a few new songs.
Started reading a new book.
Saw a movie with my mom.
Started a craft project.

So many good things have made this visit just what I needed.
And I just really love my family.

My dental hygienist is really someone wonderful. The mother of three and a lover of Jesus, she shared with me today that her clients are the reason that she keeps doing what she's doing. She thanked me for sharing my faith with her, for allowing her to see into my life a little bit, to share how God has been working. Astonishment and tears dominated our conversation as we talked about God is moving, but about how much brokenness there is in these teens I work with. It all started when she asked if we could somehow implement a flossing program at Shelterwood and I had to inform her that we aren't even allowed to have dental floss because of its potential for harm.

I think the girls at Shelterwood are really creative. Really very creative in the ways they sneak around, how they sneak in their vices, and in the ways that they manipulate. Honestly, it still is surprising.

I find myself thinking in similar ways. How can I speed without getting caught? I'm tired.. How can I be a little bit lazy today without it looking like I'm being lazy? We try to get away with little things that compromise our integrity. We try to manipulate God and others to see us as something other than we are, instead of being the wonders that God created us to be.

S tells me regularly that Shelterwood has allowed her to be more and more of who she really is. It has stripped her of all the things she put on herself, things she did to be accepted, the character traits she showed to gain approval. She has become more and more of who God created her to be.

We, too, are always becoming, caught in the "already, but not yet" of redemption and the Kingdom of God. This life here sure is interesting, as we navigate what it means to live well here while looking at what is to come.

Sometimes my writing turns into a kind of stream-of-consciousness post, instead of a topical thing as I intend. I think I'm okay with it.

nostalgia.

2011-08-08T00:18:00.000-05:00

noun
1. a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.

This weekend satisfied all the nostalgia I've felt over the last seven months. It allowed my "wistful desires" to be met. It returned me to to my "homeland." It fulfilled my "yearning for the happiness of a former place or time."

Chicago. This visit was a little confusing. I went to some of my favorite places. I took walks to coffeeshops. I stayed with and saw dear friends. I drove past my old apartment. I don't mean to be too Eastern, but it had a sort of centering effect.

I was reminded of all the things I love about the city. I was also reminded of all the things that brought me to leave. I was reminded that I currently have no real direction or plan for my life other than to trust God.

While this time in the city was really something wonderful, the remainder of the week will be spent in Green Bay. I hope to finish a few books, play a lot of card games (family time!), see a few more friends, and just... rest. A simple goal, really.

To be alive, to enjoy, to be still.

attention.

2011-08-03T23:51:00.000-05:00

We all want to be noticed. Some for good things, some for bad. We sometimes do things specifically, but occasionally subconsciously, to be noticed.

Tonight I was (and still am) stressed. Frustrated and disappointed about so many things, I couldn't handle being in the car with five girls who want to listen to country music at full volume. (Side note: what happened to good music and why in tarnation do all these girls listen only to country? How do they think they're going to have any hearing left when they're old if they blow out their eardrums when they're 17? And why oh why do they choose country, of all genres? Oi. So many things wrong with this picture.)

I found myself on the brink of tears (okay, a few came out..) the entire ride back to Shelterwood from our movie night. When we got back I dropped everyone off, then went to the lower lot to park the car. I let the tears roll as I walked back in the darkness, so when I arrived at the house I wanted (even expected) someone, anyone to ask me what was wrong, to see that I had been crying, to comfort me. When it didn't happen, I started to evaluate the whys. Why I felt the way I did in the first place, why I wanted what I wanted, and why I was disappointed when I didn't get it.

We crave attention. We want people to know things about us, to understand us, without us telling them.
Let me take responsibility for my part in this, because I write collectively like this far too often:
I crave attention. I want people to know things about me, to understand me, without me telling them.

Sure, everyone shows this in different ways, as everyone desires to be noticed through different means and for different things, and perhaps my part in this is far more subtle and far less detrimental to my mental state than others.

Some make big scenes when little things go wrong.
Some follow you around telling you story and story, pining for approval and affirmation.
Some make problems for themselves; they create drama or harm themselves.
Some just wait to be sought out, feeling alone and rejected when it doesn't happen.

All seek the same thing: attention; to be noticed.
I think the sad thing isn't that we seek attention, at least not on its own, but it's the reason why. This world does not revolve around any one person. Sure, each of us is kind of trapped in our own little minds and small, but ever-expanding, worlds. However, that does not give allowance for one to expect everyone else to fawn over them. It does not mean that the actual world revolves around them, instead it means that we have to work harder to help each one to look outside of himself to see the bigger picture.

Our affirmation cannot possibly come from man. We constantly strive for what can never satisfy us. The only way we can be fulfilled is to be in Christ. Christ in me, me in Christ, Christ in God. I am secure. I am loved. I am unconditionally accepted and affirmed. I am created in God's image. I have nothing left to desire but to know God more.

So the next time you feel unnoticed or unappreciated, remember the One who created you. Remember that you are more than how you are perceived. Remember that creating attention for yourself only temporarily fills what Christ alone can satisfy. Seek the Lord with everything you have. Let every moment be for His glory, not your own.

enough.

2011-07-30T15:08:00.001-05:00

Some of the other Big Sisters and I have been reading through Hebrews after the girls are in bed. A persistent theme throughout the book is how the sacrifices were not sufficient to cover sins, but Jesus is. Jesus is enough. It says this over and over again.

9:26 He has appeared once for all at the end of the ages to put away sin by the sacrifice of Himself.
10:14 For by a single offering He has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.

The theme pervades this letter to the Hebrews. Jesus came one time to give forgiveness for sins. And it was enough. It was enough for all. It was enough to save, to redeem, to satisfy the wrath of God.

Yet we strive so hard to be something. To achieve something. To be seen a certain way.
All we need is Jesus.

A wise friend once said, "Sometimes we need to stop trying so hard to be people who look like Jesus and just be who we are, people who need Jesus."

We need Jesus. And He is all we need.
Let us stop striving. Let us stop working so hard to accomplish worthless things, to achieve status or academia, to be right or to look the best. Instead let us love unconditionally, "preach the Gospel; and if necessary, use words." Let us glorify God in all that we do, and disregard our own desires and longings.

Sigh. Easier said than done.

holy community.

2011-07-27T22:18:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time I had a blog that I severely neglected.

A few weeks ago, we had our house trips. The first week was "Staycation", where we just did fun things around the city. We painted pottery, saw a movie at an outdoor theater, took a tour of a chocolate factory, went rock climbing, and so many other good things. It was all-around a really good time.

But the week after Staycation was even better. By far.
Half of us went to Camp Barnabas, a summer camp for people of all ages with special needs. We were volunteers in the cabins, paired up with a camper to be with them for the week, to help them with whatever they need, take them where they need to go - to facilitate an awesome experience for people who otherwise wouldn't have an opportunity to go to summer camp.

I wasn't expecting a whole lot when we left for camp, but man, it was so much more than I ever could have expected.

I was assigned to work with a boys cabin, which allowed a much-needed break from this estrogen amoeba known as the Shelterwood Girls House. There were seven other volunteers, a cabin dad, and two staffers. But by the end of the week, we were like family. No exaggeration, it felt like we had all known each other forever.

We were forced to work as a team, to push through all of the hard things that come with working with campers with special needs, to encourage one another, to come alongside those who needed encouragement and support. Each night we came together and had "family time" after the campers were in bed. We talked about how we saw God working throughout the day. We prayed for the campers. We prayed for the staff. We prayed for one another. We prayed over one another. We shared in a way that glorified God and brought us together.

This time is essential to creating the kind of community necessary to thrive in an environment like this one at Shelterwood. I left Barnabas with a new vision for what things could be like here. A vision for what this group of Big Sisters could be, that would allow us to be better Bigs who are closer to the Lord and closer to one another. It was a beautiful picture. God did not create us to be alone.

In a week and a half, I get to visit friends in Chicago, and then spend a day at Lake Lundgren, and then a few more days with my family in Green Bay. I'm excited, to say the least. I am so in need of a break. I am need of time. Time driving. Time in conversation. Time in memories. Time to process.

On a completely unrelated note, feet are weird. Just look at them.
And that's how I know it's time to go to sleep.

thoughts on friendship.

2011-07-05T14:26:00.000-05:00

What is friendship?
What makes a friend a friend?
Is a relationship still a friendship if it becomes long-distance?
What is it if you no longer live life together?
Is a person still considered a friend if you don't talk for extended periods of time, then catch up and act as if the time lapse never happened?
What does it mean to love and care for a friend when they are far away?
At what point do you let go of an old friendship that gets lost by the wayside?
At what point is that lost friend no longer a friend?

Just some things I've been thinking on recently.
If you have any thoughts, please share. :)

iniquity.

2011-07-02T13:45:00.000-05:00

I've been noticing lately how wicked are the intentions of my heart.
There are times when I do a thing simply because I know it's right, and then I harbor resentment. There are times when I volunteer for things and then do them grudgingly. I sacrifice and then play the martyr.

Tuesday's Bible study with the girls was led by the wife of the Doulos director. She talked about iniquity and the intentions of our heart, repenting of them, allowing God to sift through our lives to get out the chaff. It's a painful process, as we are forced to evaluate the deepest parts of who we are and why we do what we do - but it's good.

Just because we don't actively sin, it doesn't mean that we are free and clear of it. Instead, we are guilty of sinning in our hearts, sinning where no one sees, sinning where it looks like we don't sin at all, which makes us look oh so much holier than than we really are.

I prayed a prayer that night that God would reveal to me the iniquities of my heart, and boy, is it being answered every stinkin day. Whether it be through making vividly apparent the judgmental thoughts and the rude unspoken comments, or through the conveniently coincidental readings and Scriptures and sermons and devotions on the same topic, God is revealing them to me. And, honestly, it hurts to see the ugly parts of who I am.

And yet He loves me unconditionally. I sure do serve a good God.

revived passions.

2011-06-18T16:03:00.001-05:00

When S ran away from Shelterwood several months ago, she made it all the way to the Plaza, an upscale shopping area in Kansas City. Walking only a couple of blocks outside the boundaries of this area, she met people who lived on the streets, who worked for pimps, who led lives far different from her own. She went to the apartment of a prostitute and heard her story. She experienced a side of Kansas City, a side of society, that would have otherwise remained unexplored. Here the thing - the time she spent that day on the streets was transformational in ways that no other experience would have been. S spent time getting to know people who were different than she was, seeing a side of society left largely ignored by the privileged middle- and upper-class.

Kansas City is a city too.

Sometimes I think I forgot my love for urban ministry in Chicago, as if when I left there, I also left all opportunity and desire for it. I mistakenly view my time at Shelterwood as a distinct phase, a separate existence from who I was before. Yet, what I do here could be integrated with what I did there.

Did I not work with youth, teaching them about opportunities for ministry in the city? Did I not act as a liaison between these groups and existing ministries in Chicago? Did we not build relationships with and learn from the homeless community as we served them in soup kitchens, shelters, and on the streets?

Translated to my time at Shelterwood, I still work with teens, only minutes from a thriving metropolis where the needs are great and the opportunities abundant.

In May, when I was told I was the community service coordinator for my wing for the summer, I was a little bummed that I had been assigned to the role that required the most work, the most planning, the most research. Could I not be assigned to movie night, where all I do is choose a move and put it in the dvd player? Why did I have to be the one sending e-mails and making phone calls constantly to set up these community service times? Little did I know that God would use this role to reveal His way of integrating everything that I love.

My strengths lie in planning and organizing. My passions are for youth and for the city, for teaching and for ministry. God knew exactly what He was doing when He put me in this role.
Talking to the girls about homelessness and poverty, taking them to work in thrift stores, building relationships with the people there, and talking about my experiences in Chicago has allowed them to not only see my heart for the city, but also has taught them what it means to serve a community in need (not to say that every community doesn't have needs, but these are visible, physical needs).

When I decided to drop out of grad school, I left my desire for education with it, and, sadly, my desire for urban ministry in general. My plans went to the trash, as I knew that formal education wasn't what I was called to do, but the heart behind those plans got lost in the shuffle. Maybe God had bigger plans, ones that actually integrate my strengths with my passions, all for His glory, instead of my own wants for my own glory. It is a wonder that He extends this much grace despite my self-centered goals and plans; plans that He subsequently demolishes and gently guides me away from.

We serve a good and gracious God, do we not?
-------

A few weeks ago, I was introduced to the most wonderful coffeeshop in KC - The Roasterie. Not only do they use top-of-the-line equipment and espresso (both essential for creating a good latte), but they also steam their milk properly: a rare find. They use quality milk that comes in glass bottles (so you know it's top-notch...) and create a delectable drink that is more than worth the $5 you dish out for it. I think I may become a monthly visitor of this fine establishment. And only monthly, because it is about 40 minutes from Shelterwood and their prices would empty my checking account far to quickly if I were to make more regular visits.

Life here is looking up (as if it were ever actually looking down?) . I see glimpses of God's purpose in my time here. Why did I allow the difficulty of being in this place to bring me to doubt his goodness? This is a place of great beauty and growth, if only I allow myself to see it. This is a good place, and my heart is tied to the girls here.

And this is a beautiful, warm, sunny day in a city full of opportunity. I'm going with my mentor to get our nails done to celebrate! (Even as I type that, I feel all superficial. Getting my nails done? Really?! But I suppose it's okay for a person to splurge every once in a while, right?) I'm done feeling bad about it.

communication.

2011-06-15T00:05:00.002-05:00

Everything we do and say sends a message. More often than not, it's indirect. A slumped posture indicates sadness, perhaps stress, or even depression. Dressing nicely rather than wearing sweats shows that you care a little bit more for whatever is going on that day. Even the way we smile tells the recipient whether we are smiling out of necessity or out of genuine agreement or happiness.

Regardless our intent, the way we move and act and speak communicates something.

Really, it's a gift from God. I see the way that we interact with one another, the way relationships grow, the depth of relationship that comes from understanding one another. It's beautiful. God created Eve for relationship. He made her for the specific purpose of being a companion. So are we made to be companions, to be friends, to live in community, in relationship.

In the infamous Moby Dick, Melville writes, "No man is an island." Boy, is he right. What we do affects others. What we say has an impact. Everything is intertwined, and relationships are no different.

I find myself relying on other people more and more as I see my own inadequacy, as I learn what it means to truly rely on Jesus, and what it looks like to be the body of Christ. My fellow discipleship students (Bigs) and I lean on one another constantly for support, for consolation, for affirmation, for a reminder of why we are here and Who we serve.

We are held together by the God who redeemed us and brought us into relationship with Himself and with one another through Jesus.

[let me just tell you, i really did intend this post to be about communication. then it turned into one about relationships. but i suppose the two are inextricably linked, are they not? oi. i need to get my thoughts together, but it's after midnight and i'm done thinking for a while. good night :)]

washed.

2011-06-08T00:03:00.001-05:00

The summer schedule is a little bit different than that during the school year. Sure, the girls still go to school in the mornings, but they are done at lunch, which leaves the entire afternoon and evening open. Each night, then, is a different activity planned: game night, sports night, community service, movie night, and adventure day.

Tuesdays, however, are Bible study nights. First thing I heard from someone was complaining that it was mandatory. Second thing was the question, "What if someone's an atheist? Why would they have to go?" It was not very positive feedback, so I went into it a little skeptical about everyone's willingness to engage.

Fortunately, God had bigger plans than my skepticism allowed, and He moved in big ways tonight. Girls wrote on their feet words that they thought described themselves, labels that they had been given, ways in which they are perceived, mistakes they've made, and sins they are/were involved in. One of the Bigs talked about what it means to be a child of God, cleansed, and redeemed.

By the end of the talk girls were already crying, and then came the best part:
We washed their feet. We took cloths and wiped away the words that once defined them, as a symbol of God's cleansing power.

Beauty.

Several girls took extra time to keep praying afterwards, and one even recommitted her life to Jesus - Praise the Lord! These girls are seeking God like crazy, and this summer is brimming with opportunity for growth, for good conversation, for encouragement. for LIFE.

Our hopes are high and our hearts are open.
Will you pray with us for the girls this summer, that they would be eager to know God more, living in His presence each day?

summer lovin'

2011-05-31T00:32:00.000-05:00

It's finally here!

It means afternoons at the park on blankets in the sun.
It means nights in the pool.
It means better moods all-around as seasonal depression says goodbye.
It means the richness of flowers and trees and animals that hid away for the winter.

Beauty. Warmth. Fun.
And lots of sweat.

Welcome to summer!

memory.

2011-05-26T22:32:00.003-05:00

Friday night I curled up on the couch with a great friend and watched an old favorite. A movie that addresses the power of memory, the hold it has on your thoughts, the strength it takes to work through it. This movie brings up issues that pervade the minds of many, but are largely unaddressed.

What does it mean to remember well? To remember rightly?
How do we process negative memory and allow it to positively affect our mindset/lives?
What does it look like to work through a memory in a way that does it justice, without minimizing its importance, also not allowing it to consume you?

Now the real question is... which movie inspired such profound thought?
Raise Your Voice.
Yes, starring Hilary Duff.

It seems a little silly to still have a favorite movie starring a teeny-bopper, yet this movie has always struck me, and I could never pinpoint why. This weekend I connected the main character's struggle with my own - the desire to remember well yet still not let memory overwhelm you.

I have begun reading The End of Memory by Miroslav Volf, which will hopefully shed some light on answers to these questions. For now.. they will remain questions.

perception.

2011-05-20T17:33:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder why I work here.
Then I think about leaving and can't quite bear the thought of it.
Quite the paradox.

But here's the thing. I can see my time here as awful, as hard, as masochism at its best. Or as a time to love unconditionally, to be stretched, and to experience redemption. I can choose to see it as one of these or the other, but it is my choice and I cannot choose both.

On one hand, I get cussed out regularly, I watch girls go into the bathroom after meals to throw up and am nearly powerless to stop them, I hear conversations about how much they hate the place whose primary purpose is to help them, I hear the girls talk about partying and doing drugs together after they leave here, I receive frequent demands that display profound selfishness, and a complete disregard for other. It's as if I put myself in a position to be trampled on, to be hurt, to be broken. Masochism? Perhaps.

On the other hand, there is so much beauty in what happens here. These teens come here in shambles, hearts torn apart, confused, and misdirected. When they arrive, we are able to come alongside them, show them Jesus, help reconcile them to their families and to themselves, work through their issues and bring them to wholeness again. When I hear girls encouraging another not to make the same mistakes that they did, it shows me that there is hope. When I hear girls say that they've decided to follow God, I see the beauty of redemption so much more clearly. When girls are preparing to graduate the program and they talk about how hard their transition out of here will be, I see their long-term dedication to change and it brings me joy.

Daily, I see God at work in big ways and small, and I must choose, each day, to dwell on those things rather than on the hard. Moment by moment.

The key to all of this is in our perception. We could see crisis as a dangerous deterrent from progress, or we can see it as opportunity for growth. We can see a meal we don't like as a personal attack from the cook, or we can see it as a way to learn to like something new or be creative with the food that's available. We can see road construction as a deterrent, an inconvenience, or we can see it as a means of learning patience. Following someone to a place where I am unsure how to get there could be a reason to be frustrated and impatient, or it can build trust, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt.

The same is true of the food we eat. There are people who absolutely love sushi, and then there's me who couldn't swallow the seaweed wrap for the life of me. Some people put mayonnaise on every kind of food they eat, while others cannot stand even the sight of it. We are all created differently, all have different past experiences that shape who we are, and we all perceive differently. It's beautiful, really, but those who consistently perceive things in a negative light will lead a miserable life in a dreary, self-centered world that will bring others down with it.

Be aware of how you perceive things. Find the positive in every circumstance. Keep an open mind to learning, always asking yourself what you could be gleaning from the situation, instead of finding things wrong with it and dwelling there.

Life is what you make it. Each circumstance is as positive or negative as you make it.

Though sometimes I think back to this childishly profound Leave it to Beaver quote:
"Sometimes things are just so messed up there's just nothing left to do but cry."

Oi. I think I just contradicted some of what I just wrote. But you get the point..

waiting.

2011-05-16T23:43:00.001-05:00

I've heard it said that the average person waits in line for a combined total of 6 months of their lives. And that's just the time in line. What about time stuck in traffic jams? Time waiting for friends to meet up with you? Waiting for your roommate to get out of the shower? Waiting for water to boil?

Our lives are consumed, even characterized, by waiting.

Not only has this been the resounding theme of my life, but specifically the last few weeks God has been pounding into me the importance of waiting, of patience, of living NOW, without wishing that it was tomorrow or next month or next year.

This morning in class, Brad taught about the Life of Paul (as he has for several weeks now, and he does an awesome job at it!). He got to the part of Acts where Paul isn't mentioned at all (chapters 10-13, I think?), and we found that he was back up in Tarsus, his home area, for that entire time. So for years and years while Peter was having a flourishing ministry, while the church was growing down in Jerusalem and the surrounding area, Paul was stationed completely out of the picture. It must have been so hard for him to see so much growth and not be a part of it!

But here's the thing - He was exactly where God wanted him, being prepared for exactly what God had for him.
Had he not been away, he wouldn't have carried the depth of humility in the rest of his ministry.

So who am I to ask God why He is making me wait for the things I want in life? Who am I to ask God why He's not giving me any real direction?

Let us wait upon the Lord. Wait in anticipation, but live each and every moment as it comes. God has given us life in abundance now. Let us live it.

itty bitty reminder.

2011-05-14T23:51:00.000-05:00

I realize that my last post was scattered. A quote that didn't directly relate to the content, and a closer that had nothing to do with anything else either. It was demonstrative of my state of mind as I wrote it, I suppose.

Today, however, my mind is more clear.
Last weekend was tough, but I was repeatedly reminded of how much I need Jesus. How dependent I am on Him. How much I don't have control. How much more I should trust Him.

This weekend has been hilarious and interesting and all-around a good time off. A friend got his belly button pierced while waiting for me to talk to a tattoo artist. Yes, a man got his belly button pierced. The logic behind it? "I think it's ridiculous and stupid when girls get theirs pierced, so this is my way of getting back at them!" Um... what?!

Then. I got turned down by a tattoo artist who didn't want to do the tattoo that I wanted. Why? Well, he said that when I walk around, the cross will be upside-down which is a satanic symbol. Regardless the fact that when I look at it, it's right-side up, and it's my own reminder of who I am in Christ, he said he wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing that he had put that tattoo on someone's arm and others could perceive it as satanic.

So we went to a different place where the girl was more than willing to do it. But that guy's persistence, his ferocity in sticking to his convictions.. it was admirable. He refused to do something that he perceived as wrong.

All this to say... I got a tattoo! Here it is:
This little cross will be my always and forever reminder of where my identity lies. He is written on my heart and directs my steps. He guides my hands and penetrates my thoughts. He has changed me. He has redeemed me. He is an always and forever part of who I am.

So this is my itty bitty visual representation of that.
I'm so glad this finally happened.

I also watched part of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tonight - a 90s-era staple, coupled with some fabulous burgers (why oh why do I forget how awful my stomach feels after eating red meat?? I'm dying slowly from the stomach out..)

And then we celebrated a few birthdays.

All in all, a successful day off.

Mission for my "free time" this week:
Figure out a way to renew my Illinois license plate while living out of state without changing the address on my registration to the proper one (out of state) to which all the paperwork needs to be sent, because they won't send it to an out of state address. I can't change my plates to Missouri without paying a personal property tax on the car (way too expensive). I can't change them to Wisconsin without buying new plates either, which costs more than I can spend on a little sticker that says I can drive my vehicle for another year.

Superficial update over.

mourning.

2011-05-09T16:12:00.000-05:00

C.S. Lewis once wrote:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

Has God created me a mourner? One whose heart is easily torn, who sees brokenness more vividly? Or am I just more surrounded by it than I ever have been before?

What I do know is that I often hold in sadness and let it all out at one time. Last week I had a breakdown. I cried harder than I have in a long time, because of little things that all piled up and then was topped off by my car not starting. When a brand new car that you bought only a year ago just doesn't start, when it's the biggest financial investment you've ever made and it just... stops working, well that was just too much to handle on top of everything else.

And then something actually big came up and I lost it. I ended up driving to Green Bay to spend a little time with my family - to heal, to process, to detox.

So put on the full armor of God, for we have an already-defeated foe.

something new.

2011-05-03T23:56:00.001-05:00

I have asthma.
I have a bad knee.
I have legit excuses.

But those excuses have kept me from doing what I've always wanted to do: run.
Goodbye excuses.

This week I am both using my inhaler and strengthening the muscles that I do have in my knee by running. The road that makes a circle on property is about a quarter mile. We call it the loop. So last night I put on my running shoes, take my inhaler, grab my headphones and I'm out the door. After running one full loop (yay!), I decide to walk a half lap to give my legs and my lungs a break. Then I walked, then I ran, then I walked, and then I walked. A grand total of... ONE MILE!

Maybe someday I will have legs like these.
Ones with real muscles in them.
I'm a weakling.
Seriously.

One small step for man, one giant leap for Erin.

After I accomplished my goal for day number one of Project: Runner, I laid in the grass and looked at stars. Stars that I couldn't see in Chicago. That I've missed seeing for so long. Such beauty.

But when I stood up - well, my lungs decided not to work anymore. So I coughed. and coughed. and coughed. Until morning. I took a look at my inhaler and saw that it had expired last fall. That means I haven't done any aerobic exercise since fall otherwise I would have used it and noticed that it was expired. Sad. Thankfully, I had a new one, which cured the coughing and gave me hope for my Wednesday and Friday runs - they ARE possible!

I've always, always, wanted to do this. My excuses were always convenient, but I won't let them be anymore.

So tonight I'm on night coverage in one of the wings. Checking the rooms every 10-15 minutes to make sure girls are in bed, leaves me with plenty of time in between. Usually I journal or read or do the weekly paperwork.

Tonight, however, I did something that will leave the person who checks cameras laughing. This girl has a fun job, watching all the footage to make sure nothing sketch happened, and giving consequences if it did happen. Me, though? Well, I decided to do pilates in the hallway. I know that it looks a little funny no matter who does it, but if, like me, you're pretty uncoordinated and pretty unbalanced... well, it makes for quite the show. Enjoy it, Kamilah :)

*******
Praise report:
One of the Littles became a Christian!! A seemingly unlikely conversion, it was all the more wonderful as a result. I nearly tackled her when I found out. And then we cried together and prayed. It was beautiful.

God is so faithful. He works in the little things, even if we don't see it. God knows what's going on and uses our prayers, our little words of encouragement, our time, our dedication, and our love towards others to bring them to Himself. All is for the glory of God, right? Sure is! Boy oh boy, it has been a God-filled week so far. I love it and can't wait to see other ways in which God is moving behind the scenes.

(Thanks to the recommendation of a friend...)
Isaiah 43:19 says,
"I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

ihop.

2011-04-30T09:48:00.000-05:00

Something rare happened yesterday morning. We had time off. Unplanned, unscheduled time off.
From 8:35am until 12:40pm, we had no responsibilities.
No chores.
No class.
No errands.
Nothing.

So we jumped in the car and left. Destination? IHOP. Of the prayer variety, not pancakes. I had never been before, and didn't really know what to expect, but, by golly, I was overwhelmed.

The place radiated joy and love. Each person wore on their face a look that said "I am in awe of who God is." The International House of Prayer was phenomenal. As we entered the Prayer Room, I saw dozens of people from all walks of life spending time with God in their own ways. Some sat, some stood; some walked, some knelt; many read, many wrote; some were silent and some cried out - all were in the presence of God.

The worship band at the front didn't have a specific song they sang, instead choosing several passages of Scripture to sing spontaneously with a group of musicians who laid the groundwork for it. They sang as the Spirit led. Whatever verses they sang appeared on screens in the prayer room so that the people could meditate over those passages.

The people. Well, it was a mix of people like I had never seen before. Some were apparently wealthy, some were granola backpackers. Young wanderers and retirees alike worshiped the Lord together. Some came in on what seemed like lunch breaks from their desk jobs, while others wore construction gear. And then there were the internationals - people from all over the world who traveled to Kansas City to hang out at IHOP. Who would have thought that a place like this was such a destination point? Yet it is.

24/7 There are people in the IHOP prayer room. 24/7 there is a group leading worship. 24/7. I hear that it is just as full at 3am as it is at noon - what a wonderful way to spend a sleepless night, praising God, praying with Him!

Because this little visit wasn't planned, I didn't have my Bible, no journal, and no book. This could have been setback, but instead it forced me to sit and listen. To clear my head and just listen for the Lord to speak. One at a time, I put each frustration, each worry, every subject out of my head, so to be cleared - to just sit in the presence of God.

So often we come before Him with lists. Lists of prayer requests, lists of wants, expectations, even lists of praises - but lists nonetheless. An agenda. How often do we come before God without really coming before Him at all, but attacking Him with a barrage of questions? And then we finish asking our questions and walk away before allowing God to work in your heart to answer them, to teach you, to guide your thoughts?

To just sit, hands open - empty before Him.

It reminds me of the new Switchfoot song, Your Love is a Song.

They sing:
Oh, your love is a symphony
All around me
Running through me
Oh, your love is a melody
Underneath me
Running to me
All your love is a song

Let us just sit and be. In the presence of God, allow this love to overwhelm you - to feel the presence of God. With eyes wide open. And minds wide open.

Easter us.

2011-04-24T22:37:00.000-05:00

I find that my life sometimes resembles a reality tv show.

Not only is my life in Missouri always interesting, but my family is crazy-fun too, as I've had the opportunity to enjoy this weekend. The first time getting away from Missouri since arriving seven weeks ago, I found myself collapsed on the couch upon arrival, unable to hold back tears. I'm not sure why, but I couldn't hold it back. I finally felt the freedom to release, freedom to relax, to enjoy, to empty. Perhaps this is the release of brokenness that allows me to embrace the redemption that Easter represents and reminds us of.

This morning, Pastor Jim's sermon followed the "trail of blood that bleeds through the pages of Scripture." It was all about the blood sacrifices that began even as far back as the Garden of Eden when God made clothing from the skin of an animal to cover the nakedness of Adam and Eve after they sinned. From there, the use of blood for the forgiveness of sins is used time and time again, making Jesus' death all the more meaningful as it not only carries into the future, but looks back into the past, tying together the Old Testament with the New (as if there were no other ties..).

This look at redemptive history helps to solidify the understanding of the crucifixion, and, more importantly, the resurrection. To overcome.
What beauty.

Easter us, Lord.

entitlement.

2011-04-18T00:09:00.000-05:00

We find ourselves thinking that we deserve things.
Time off.
Showers.
Good meals.
Time to relax.
Our way.

But when I take a step back, I see all of those things as privileges, not entitlements. Many of the girls struggle visibly with entitlement, especially in a place like Shelterwood where they don't have the freedoms that they used to abuse and enjoy. It is not uncommon to be asked to take a girl to her room to drop off a book/waterbottle/sweatshirt, say no because there isn't enough coverage, and then get a dirty look, a scowl, or a raised eyebrow. How important is it, really, to put away that item right now, at this very moment? Not really at all, yet she thinks it is imperative that she gets to go put it away. And then who am I to say no? I, too, have selfish motives for not wanting to take her, but my selfishness trumps hers and she has to wait.

These moments of time off are so precious, so valuable. Yet even these are not my own. I do not deserve the time off. Though it certainly is necessary to do my job well, to stay positive, to have energy to give - I am not entitled to it.

When we give our lives to God, to our Creator, we give everything. We give our time, our energy, our love, all for God to use however He sees fit, however will bring Him the most glory - whether that be through spending time with His people, spending time with Him, working extra hours to make something the best that it can possibly be for the glory of God, taking energy to spend with family, doing dishes late at night so that someone else doesn't have to worry about it in the morning... All for the glory of God.

My life is not my own. My time is not my own.

A poem struck me this week as I thought about these things, about what I think to be mine, and what I find to be most important. Here it is:

The Noise of Politics
by Walter Brueggemann

We watch as the jets fly in
     with the power people and
   the money people,
     the suits, the budgets, the billions.

We wonder about monetary policy
     because we are among the haves,
and about generosity
     because we care about the have-nots.

By slower modes we notice
     Lazarus and the poor arriving from Africa,
   and the beggars from Central Europe, and
     the throng of environmentalists
          with their vision of butterflies and oil
               of flowers and tanks
               of growing things and
                    killing fields.

We wonder about peace and war
     about ecology and development,
     about hope and entitlement.

We listen beyond jeering protesters and
    soaring jets and
     faintly we hear the mumbling of the crucified one,
     something about
          feeding the hungry
          and giving drink to the thirsty,
          about clothing the naked,
          and noticing the prisoners,
          more about the least and about holiness among them.

We are moved by the mumbles of the Gospel,
     even while we are tenured in our privilege.

We are half ready to join the choir of hope,
          half afraid things might change,
               and in a third half of our faith
                    turning to you,
               and your outpouring love
               that works justice and
               that binds us each and all to one another.

So we pray amid jeering protesters
          and soaring jets.
   Come by here and make new,
          even at some risk to our entitlements.

deeper.

2011-04-11T23:15:00.000-05:00

I've been building some good relationships with these girls. Some of them are easier than other, some you have to really dig in to get to the issues - those are hard.

But I came to realize today why it's so hard to speak into the lives of some the girls: So many of them reject God. If they reject God, then they reject the one thing I have to offer them, so I feel as if they reject me. In reality, this little setback is only a reason to love on them more, pray for them more, talk about my own experiences with God without placing it on them.

Oh, to love them more.

I think about these girls as whole people, as teens with a context. They've had so much life before this, and they have brilliant lives to live after they leave here. Shelterwood may be a beautiful place of restoration, but it's for a purpose. We may be isolated out here in the woods, but it does not mean there is not a bustling world around us. God comes in a redeems us as whole people.

In the words of Lady Gaga "I want your ugly, I want your disease, I want your everything... I want your psycho..." and the song continues. God wants all of us. I know Lady Gaga wrote no spiritual tie into her song, but it makes itself evident when we think about God restoring all of our being. Our whole heart, our whole mind, our whole soul.

What a beautiful picture..

Let us embrace that redemption. Let us not lose sight of it when people reject God or when things seem too broken to fix. Jesus can redeem even the hardest of the hard.

parents weekend.

2011-04-08T15:51:00.000-05:00

Emotions run high.
Girls are anxious, excited, nervous, terrified, nauseous - the whole gamut - at the thought of their parents coming to visit them.

It means loud arguments, family counseling, classes for the parents, and high stress for everyone. It gives families the opportunity to work things out together, resulting sometimes in joy, laughter, and sighs of relief, sometimes in anguish, tears, and resentment. Sometimes both.

It's a beautiful picture of brokenness. Tears so strong the body shakes. Remorse so deep that the soul is in anguish. This is the picture that I became a part of last night with one girl in particular. Seeing her brokenness as some kind of inconceivably awful, unforgiveable state - we prayed. Beauty rises from the ashes. Restoration comes from the dust. This girl experienced the grace of God last night.

And today I got to go out to breakfast with her parents - phenomenal people. I feel as if I got some pretty incredible insight into her personality, her struggles, her background. I love it, and I'm excited to see her grow and change through this program, to know that her parents support her 100%. It's a picture of family reconciliation that I long to see in this particular family, but also with all of the girls and their families.

God is so good.

to find the one.

2011-04-06T23:56:00.001-05:00

"It's like someone saying, 'I hid one silver dollar under one stone in this whole forest. Go find it!'"

That's what this morning felt like, as SJ and I scoured the woods behind property for yet another runaway. This one is a little closer to home, more near and dear to my heart, since it's the little who lives in my room. Not only is she "my little" because she lives in my room, but I was with her just moments before she ran out the back door not to be seen again.

Found tonight by the grace of Jesus down on the Plaza (10 hours after she left property... only by God was this possible!), she was entirely apathetic about it all. She's at a point where she doesn't care at all about what she did, doesn't care at all what happens next, and doesn't care that she doesn't care. So sad.

After the beginning statement was made in the woods this morning, I joked in response, "Nah, it's like leaving the 99 behind to find the one." As much as I was just being a cheeseball and making a joke, it was true.

The entire staff split up in groups nearly all day to search for her. Why? Because we care about her. Because we love her. And she still decides to wander off. Can she not see how much people care about her? Does she not know that she is unconditionally loved and accepted? If only she knew Jesus...

The same is true of all the girls. If they could accept God's unconditional love for them, their issues would be fixed.

It's all a process..

(P.S. I bet the title of this post made you think it was going to be about marriage, didn't it? Tricked you! bahaha)

trust.

2011-04-04T14:02:00.002-05:00

"Trust is not a passive state of mind. It is a vigorous act of the soul."
-Jerry Bridges

praise God.

2011-04-03T23:33:00.000-05:00

Today has been wonderful. Not only did I almost wear a skirt to church because it was so warm (until it nearly blew off my body on the way to the dining hall for breakfast!), but I also got to go on that money request I wrote about yesterday! Quality time with two of the girls. Good conversations with several others afterward. A trip to QT for sodas in a hailstorm for the other Bigs. And a good ride to and from church this morning with girls I don't usually spend time with. Overall, I wouldn't complain about a single thing today!

It's time for bed, but I'm not really tired yet. But I'm on breakfast in the morning and I have to get up early for it, so I should probably just go to bed. Why is it such a chore to go to bed? Oh wait - it's because I have a top bunk right now and don't want to climb up into it: Another praise Jesus comes from the fact that starting tomorrow, I WILL have a bottom bunk! mmhm. Nothing to complain about :)

what.a.week.

2011-04-02T18:57:00.000-05:00

My heart aches for these girls. They just need to know Jesus - to know how much He loves them and cares for them.

As I take a comprehensive look at these kids and this program, there are many ways for kids to fail here. Sure, part of the process is working on failures and celebrating success, but it is pretty normal for kids to be pulled from the program for having too many of those failures.

When two girls ran away this week, some of the other girls asked if they could write letters explaining why one of them shouldn't be let back in. They saw what a detrimental effect this particular girl has on the rest of them and they wanted to see change. I was so proud of them for distinguishing who are negative and positive influences on them. At the same time, it hurts to see that Shelterwood just doesn't help some of the kids, but for others it is transformational. Can it not be effective for everyone? Can it not help each of them to love Jesus?

In an ideal world.. well, I guess there wouldn't be a need for a place like this. But if there were a need, then a group home like this would help everyone without exception. Every teen who walks through the doors comes out transformed by the power of the cross and the redemption that comes from loving God.

---
Here I sit at Starbucks the afternoon of my day off. And what a beautiful day off it is! 72 degrees and sunny with a slight breeze, it is a day of perfect weather.

Three of the boys ran away last weekend. They weren't found until three days later, but we came to find out that they had smuggled in an iTouch after their spring break, hacked into the secured network, and used Facebook to orchestrate their pick-up. As a result, Facebook is now blocked on property.

Who would have thought one website being blocked could be such a big deal, but it makes it hard. I message on Facebook a lot, and I feel so cut off! I am too attached to these things, aren't I?
--
I spent this afternoon with a cousin, who I have met once in my life, and his wife. I'm so thankful to have family in the area, especially since I didn't expect it.

We went to the art museum here. Remember the picture I put up a few weeks ago of the huge shuttlecocks? Well, those are right outside the museum.

Walking inside, though, is stunning. The architecture complements the displayed artwork in a way that makes it all even more precious, more beautiful. I wonder how artists see things. Do they see colors differently? How can they recreate what they see using a different medium? It's not the same as snapping a photo, it's a process of interpretation, reconfiguring what the eye sees using the hands - a process that I admire, but do not understand.
---
In other exciting news:
- A girl punched a wall last week and broke her hand.
- I am officially kitchen trained
- Two girls ran away Thursday night. One was found right away, and one wasn't found until morning.
- This morning I purchased a plane ticket to Green Bay for Daniel's high school graduation :)
- One girl asked me to take her shopping with some money her parents allowed for church clothes. Out of all the staff she could have chose, she picked ME! I was ecstatic. Until I realized it was for my day off yesterday and I already had plans all afternoon/evening so I couldn't take her. Either way, her question was a pretty big step.
- That's all. For now.

I want to do something adventurous. Like get a tattoo. Or shoot guns. Or go spelunking. Even hiking. Or rock climbing. Maybe even ride a motorcycle. Or get a haircut. I do need one..
Anything.
Maybe next weekend.

For now I will drink my coffee, reply to some Facebook messages, and then have dinner with some of the other Bigs.
--
I end this extra-long post with the inscription on the outside of the art museum:

"The soul has greater need of the ideal than of the real."
Chew on it. I will too. And maybe post on it another time :)

a good latte.

2011-03-29T12:23:00.001-05:00

There are times when I miss the sound of the El overhead. Days when I wish I would hear people speaking other languages. I miss cultural diversity and the beauty of one's story that comes along with it. A city full of creatively designed buildings, parks beautifully landscaped and a rich history to make it all come together. Chicago will always and forever hold a special place in my heart. I appreciate so much more the hustle and bustle of city life when I haven't been engulfed in it for the last two months.

But at this moment what I really miss are the small, locally-owned coffeeshops and their equally stellar lattes. Chains just don't make them the same. With lines out the door, they can't take the time to properly steam the milk so that the froth is poured properly and distributed throughout the drink. I just really like a good latte. And it's hard to find here.

I've been so encouraged by the other Bigs the last few days. I'm thankful for new friends here, and a God who doesn't waver.

His strength.

2011-03-26T15:17:00.000-05:00

David writes:
"I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord."
-Psalm 40:1-3

These words have been so much of an encouragement this last week.
Sometimes I think I'm not strong enough for a job like this one. Then I have to be reminded that my strength will always be insufficient on my own. It is God who pulls us up onto a rock. It is God who hears those cries of desperation. HE is the one who makes all things work.

Let us praise God for his goodness. :)

a glimpse.

2011-03-24T13:40:00.001-05:00

Today I got an apology from a girl who was disrespectful to me yesterday.

A glimpse of beauty amidst the ashes :)

though i may break down.

2011-03-22T21:58:00.000-05:00

Certain things frustrate me more than others. One thing on the really frustrating list is when I walk in the door, somebody saying, "Erin, take me downstairs!" Immediately followed by, "Erin, take me to the weight room!" Immediately followed by, "Take me to my room!"

Yes, these girls are required to have someone go with them to the weight room, and yes, somebody does have be downstairs for them to come down, and yes, some of the girls can't be in their room by themselves. But here's the thing: They don't ask. They demand it and expect you to comply immediately. There is a sense of entitlement that runs amok with these girls, and it is pretty much a part of our job description to comply. It has become a little frustrating - a LOT frustrating, actually.

I just wrote out several more stories about the girls, and then remembered the most important thing - Jesus. It is not my duty to share all the awful, discouraging things that happen here, no matter how interesting they are. It is more important to see the need for Jesus in each of the girls.

God often provides little glimpses of encouragement when we need them, doesn't He? Some of the girls have been so sweet, so wonderful in the midst of the chaos created by the rest of them. And one of the house directors pulled me aside last night to encourage me, too, and tell me what a good job I've been doing. Little glimpses of light amidst the darkness.

A friend encouraged me with this quote: "What God has revealed to you in the light, do not forget in the darkness." And isn't that the truth? Why does it become so easy to focus on the problem instead of on the One who can come into the problem and redeem it? To lose sight of the light when everything seems dark... We are such sad, sinful people.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:8

i will not back down.

2011-03-18T17:21:00.000-05:00

Last night I broke the handle of a mug of the girl who intimidates me the most. I was trying to care for her, to help her fall asleep by making her some chamomile and peppermint tea. I saw it as the opportunity I had been praying for, to get to know her a little bit better. And then I end up breaking her mug.

I was terrified of the response she may have, as she's been known to escalate quickly. She once spit all over another Big's things because she was mad at her. But I had been praying for a chance to see her softer side, to see who she was beneath the scary front she puts up. So when I walked back into the room, timid and fearful, and apologized, her response was calm, rational, even flippant, but thankful for the tea anyways.

Why had I not given her the benefit of the doubt? I mean, having a history of anger and violence does not guarantee that it will be the response in every situation, does it? There is a real person, a hurting person, beneath the hard exterior, and I intend to dig in. God has not given up on her, and neither will I. It's what I'm here for, and I will not back down from it.
-----

I appreciate my time off so much more when it doesn't happen every night. When we get three hours off in the afternoon and I'm able to go out to lunch with some of the other Bigs, it makes for a great release, a happy interlude to the day of chaos.

Granted, it is spring break right now, so the kids don't have school, which means they go to bed later, and we are with them all day long, planning activities and keeping tabs on their every move, making their meals and cleaning up after their meals, and, well, doing everything. They start school again on Tuesday, when the schedule will go back to normal. Then we will have time (though it be in class and at meals..) with the other Bigs.

I am assigned to night coverage starting this Tuesday night. It's the first real, assigned responsibility I've had so far, and I'm excited/nervous for it! All it means is checking the girls' rooms in my wing every 10 minutes to make sure they are in bed and make sure their reading lights are out 15 minutes after bedtime. Simple as it is, it means more contact with the girls. It means doing something that contributes to this place in a tangible way.

This week I finished my kitchen training (minus the observation shifts, to be scheduled over the next few weeks) and I did my van training, so I can now drive the Shelterwood vehicles so I can take girls on one-on-ones if I want to. Soo good. Wednesday is med training, where I learn how to properly dispense the medication that these girls take on a daily basis - another way to tangibly help out in the house.

Sigh. So much goes into doing this job. I aspire to be a lifelong learner, whether it be deepening the knowledge I already have, or learning about new things. I am thankful that I can learn so much here. :)

giving up.

2011-03-17T19:50:00.002-05:00

We give up on people far faster than God does, don't we?

There have been several people in my life about whom I had basically thought, "She is a hopeless cause. A mess, really. God wouldn't want to deal with them, either." Now, that thought may not have been iterated so concisely nor blatantly, and certainly not verbally, but it was still there, whether I acknowledged it or not. God, on the other hand, had different plans. Over the last few years, God has blown my mind with the people He has drawn to himself and I am in awe.

When my family moved into the house they live in now, we had some of the worst luck with neighbors. A couple of the kids were so mean and awful and to my little sister that she would come home crying. She would sometimes hide when they came to the door so that she didn't have to go out and play with them. Another neighbor went off and on like that. She was sometimes nice to Kristen, and sometimes mean. Sometimes manipulative, sometimes caring.

Kristen spent hours upon hours praying for this girl - for the last eight years! Kristen never gave up hope; Kristen never let those mean words prevent her from praying that this girl would come to know the Lord.

On Wednesday night, she made a decision to follow Jesus! Praise God!

God had not given up on her. Kristen hadn't given up on God. But we gave up on it. Why do we give up hope? Why do we doubt the goodness of God and His ability to save people? He pulls us out of the pit. He makes us clean. He redeems us. No matter how entrenched we are in the mire.

It makes me think of the girls here. One, in particular, scares me. She blew up at me the first night I was here and I've been intimidated ever since. She says she's an atheist and she says she's bisexual, which makes the intimidation all the more intense. But who am I to give up on her? To (ashamedly) hope that she gets pulled from the program?

Lord, help me to see people with your eyes and with your heart - to know that you are capable of doing far more than we ask or imagine, hope or think. You are God, worthy of all our praise.
-----

Today I bought Prayers for a Privileged People by Walter Brueggemann. I am so excited to start going through it!

enjoy every day.

2011-03-15T02:08:00.003-05:00

Looking back at some old posts was encouraging tonight. I was reminded of some important truths that I had learned and subsequently forgot.

In one post in particular, back in January, I wrote:

"While 2011 will certainly include another transition, another move, more new people in a new city, I hope to truly enjoy my time there instead of anticipating what's next.

This is my challenge: Find something to enjoy about every day - use excitement for the future to enjoy life now. Each day is a beautiful gift from the Lord; let us not forget we are given life in abundance."

Let this be a reminder for today, and for every day.

"How to Save a Life"

2011-03-14T16:35:00.002-05:00

As promised, here is an inside look at The Fray's song "How to Save a Life."
(listen to it here)

I never understood this song until I came to this place and the intern here told me its background. Here goes:

The Fray came to the old Denver site of Shelterwood (the place where I'm now working in Kansas City) to lead worship on a weekend retreat. Everyone split up into prayer partners for the weekend, including the band members. The lead singer wrote this song after being paired with a young man who was nearly suicidal and praying with him over the weekend. The lyrics reflect a deep concern for the kid and for his well-being. So much meaning, so much pleading, behind these words.

Check out these lyrics: ("you" refers to the singer, "he" refers to the teen)

Step one you say we need to talk, He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you, You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame, You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best, Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense, Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong, The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you, And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things: He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same, And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

The lyrics that affect me the most, I think, are "I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life." We, as the mentors here, don't have all the answers. Nothing we say or do can prevent these kids from making the same bad choices again and again. Nothing we say can relieve them of their fierce self-consciousness or their self-centered worlds. Nothing we say can pull them out of their darkness. Only God can. We can pray, we can be there, but it isn't us who do anything - it's Christ in us and through us who influence these teens. This is becoming more and more of a reality as I delve into a life here: The focus must remain on Christ or it is utterly meaningless.

So if/when you hear this song, will you pray for the kids here? And for troubled teens in general? Let this song be a reminder of the hurt that so many feel, but that so many hide.

thoughts on redemption.

2011-03-13T21:53:00.000-05:00

"I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man, that in the world's finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, of all the blood that they've shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened."

-Fyodor Dostoevsky

disconnect.

2011-03-13T14:32:00.000-05:00

Girl N gets mad this morning before church when she's told that rather than sleeping through the service, she has to sit and stand with the congregation regardless her actual participation in the worship. She gets mad and stands through the whole service (Thankfully we were up in the balcony so it wasn't too disruptive).

On the way home from church she's singing worship songs with the rest of us at the top of her lungs.

Girl O went on a rant of fury yesterday, yelling and cursing out another one of her wingmates. All of this started while she was sitting on her bed reading her Bible.

Today she tells me that she wants a tattoo on her arm that reads: "If God is with me, whom shall I fear?"
-----
There's something missing between knowledge and actions, between belief and the outpouring of that belief in one's everyday life, and it breaks my heart. At the same time, I am excited to become a part of their learning process, their growth, their recovery.

learning.

2011-03-12T23:18:00.000-06:00

After talking with a few people about why it has been so hard for me to be here (aside from it being an overwhelming new experience..), I realize that my giftings do not necessarily line up with the relational side of this ministry. My strengths lie in the planning, the organizing, the administrative side of things - not in working one-on-one with the teens. So as I do this job for the next ten months, I need to keep in mind that it is only ten months and there is no real commitment after that. This will be a learning experience, but one that I'm not entirely comfortable with (which usually means the most growth).

So hello to uncomfortable situations and learning to strengthen my weaknesses.

explore.

2011-03-10T17:06:00.001-06:00

As I work to understand the Shelterwood system and the philosophy behind their ministry, I have a lot on my mind. What is the best way to discipline these teens? What is the most effective way of treating them to affect real change in their lives?

Oo, I have an "official" job title, too! I am technically Direct Care Staff, which might give a better explanation of what this job entails, if you're familiar with residential treatment facilities. It just sounds so much better, so much more official, than simply "mentorship staff," doesn't it?

This afternoon I have my first official "day off" (Which really just means noon to midnight. I'll take what I can get :)) The first thing I did was drive into Kansas City - somehow being in the same buildings for a whole week made me anxious to get out and see other people and new things. So I explored a little.

Advertised as a "Road Trip for Your Soul," I found the Kauffman Gardens a great place to do just that - to quiet my mind, process the week, and allow God to refresh my soul.

In the summer I'm sure the outdoor gardens are just as beautiful as the indoor one was. I look forward to coming back here when the flowers are in bloom and the fountains are running. :)

A few more places/things I found as I explored:

I happened upon the Kansas City Sculpture Garden. Before I knew where I was,
these big birdies (shuttlecocks, if you will) sure did throw me for a loop!

I like this area a lot so far, though I haven't seen too much of it. One wish: locally-owned coffeeshops. There just aren't any outside of downtown, which is too far away to make quick trips. Sigh. I will have a proper latte again someday - just not today.

the ugly parts.

2011-03-09T12:33:00.001-06:00

The busy-ness of this life here is similar to that of a summer camp staff, but the severity of it is exponentially greater. Instead of hanging out with the girls in the craft shop or shooting BB guns with them, we sit in the hallway while they have study hall. We have to maintain legal "coverage" in all areas of the building, so if we leave a room, we have to make sure that there are enough adults there, or that some of the kids come with us.

Each room has a lockbox, containing razors, nail clippers, tweezers, compact mirrors, nail polish, white-out, sharpies, sewing needles - anything that could possibly be used for self-harm. These items are kept under close watch, as many of the girls struggle with this. The restrictions are lengthy, yet the girls a given quite a bit of freedom within the regulations. All this is to say that life here is like nothing I've experienced before - And I'm not even integrated all the way yet - just wait until all my training is done and I'm really in the mix!

-----
Each week I will meet with my discipleship group, which is with the intern and another girl who arrived here last month. This morning we had our first "meeting" at Einstein's bagels where we sipped coffee and talked about God and his desire to be in our brokenness. So often we try to hide the parts of ourselves that we find unattractive - the things that are hard, the faults, the thoughts that need to change, our doubts - ugly parts.

The beautiful pat of being broken is that God comes to us as we are. He doesn't require us to be beautiful, to be perfect, to be fixed (in fact, we cannot possibly be those things without him). These girls here have experienced so much, they have been faced with circumstances that nobody should have to deal with. Regardless their openness to God's healing, they are openly broken.

This is not going to be an easy job, but, my goodness, will it make a difference in the lives of these teens. I get to show them Jesus, get to know them, and love them every day - what better way to minister to them than this?

Upcoming:
The inside scoop on The Fray's "How to Save a Life"

i press on.

2011-03-06T18:13:00.000-06:00

Who knew that it would start this way?
Last night, I spent time with Kristi and Sam, friends from Northwestern. Conveniently, they live in Cedar Rapids, which is exactly halfway between Green Bay and Kansas City, so I was able to spend the night there! Playing games with them and other Northwestern alumni was a good time to reminisce.

But I had a headache through the entire night of games. I ignored it and woke up with a dry throat and a cough, which led to an other headache and now chills. Who wants to move to a new city, start a new thing, a hard thing, no less, when they're sick? Yeah, me neither.

Within the first hour, one of the teens who I share a room with swore at me (repeatedly), ordered me to leave, threatened to pierce her nipples if I didn't, and told me to find her some pot. And that was just one girl.

Okay.
This is what I signed up for. What else did I expect? These kids are here for a reason. They need love - they need stability - they need Jesus.

So here I sit in Panera, about 20 minutes from the facility, eating dinner, processing what just happened, and trying to take on a new perspective. Will you pray with me for strength? To depend on God?

Hosea 6:3 says: "Press on to know the Lord and as surely as the coming of the dawn, He will respond."
I press on.

shoes.

2011-03-05T00:29:00.005-06:00

I arrived back in Green Bay almost exactly a month ago. This has been the most time I've spent here since I graduated high school - and I have loved it. My family all got together tonight for a little goodbye gathering and we just had so much fun. Hilarious memories were relived, jokes were made, and games were played - all in the name of good family fun. I love them.

Moving frequently for the past six years, I realize every time that I have far too many possessions that I cart around with me, from one dorm room to the next apartment. This move to Kansas City, I have made a concerted effort to pack lightly and learn to live simply. One small under-bed storage container of summer clothes, one suitcase of winter clothes.

It's the shoes that are hard.

It's always the thought that "well, maybe I'll need my black heels and the brown ones won't be enough! I mean, I can't wear brown heels with a black dress!" I feel so shallow with all these black/brown thoughts running through my head, all so apparently important. I find myself with a small laundry basket full of shoes, heels and flip flops, flats and chacos, tennis shoes and wedges - a sign of my materialism and my nearly-failed attempt to pack lightly for this year.

I think to myself - "Why is it so hard for me to leave behind these shoes?" The answer lies in materialism - a dependence on things instead of on God. So often I cling to my favorites (and even my non-favorites) because I would hate to not have this oh-so-important item that I might possibly use one time in the next 12 months. How ridiculous am I?! While I'm talking about shoes here, the problem goes far beyond the foot-coverings. Yes, this lies in the heart.

Tomorrow morning I'm sorting back through my shoes - praying for a healthier perspective.

always a journey.

2011-03-03T21:57:00.000-06:00

I had the privilege of spending time with an old mentor, now friend, this morning at one of my favorite coffeeshops in Green Bay (Kavarna). A stellar combination. :)

When I'm with the people I knew so long ago (which I realize is relative, considering high school was only six years ago) I remember who I used to be and see how much has changed since. I remember consistently turning to Shannon to rant about my parents and their ridiculous rules/punishments/everything - and she bringing me back to reality and pointing out my awful lack of respect for their authority. My, how far I've come.

brokenness

2011-02-28T20:09:00.001-06:00

Some old friends got married a few years back and are now separated. He's in a new relationship, she's going out of the country. While I only know what I know via Facebook, it breaks my heart.

When two people vow to be together forever, doesn't that mean forever? Couples are so in love when they get married, and then what happens? The difficulties of everyday life set in and they decide they would rather do it all without the support of the other? Or maybe that somebody else can fulfill the role that you imagined the first person could until they failed at filling the idealized role of the "perfect" spouse? It just seems so wrong. So sad.

This is not what we were created for. This is not what we make covenants for.
Broken people mean broken relationships, I suppose.

the hard stuff.

2011-02-27T23:28:00.004-06:00

There are several books I read during my undergrad that I didn't, or possibly couldn't, appreciate for their full value at the time. Perhaps I still can't, but I've started to go back and re-read them without the "I'm doing this simply to write a summary and get the points for it" attitude.

First on the list is Evil and the Justice of God by N.T. Wright.

He writes (emphasis mine):

"There is a noble Christian tradition which takes evil so seriously that it warns against the temptation to 'solve' it in any obvious way. If you offer an analysis of evil which leaves us saying, "Well, that's all right then; we now see how it happens and what to do about it," you have belittled the problem... For the Christian, the problem is how to understand and celebrate the goodness and God-givenness of creation and, at the same time, understand and face up to the reality and seriousness of evil."

The "hard" issues, Christians tend to brush off with phrases like "God is sovereign" or "I guess we'll just have to wait and find out in heaven," while some are left wrestling with these questions void of support from the Church.

If we make light of the hard stuff, for what did God give us a mental capacity? (On a related note, another book on my reread list is Love the Lord Your God with All Your Mind by J.P. Moreland) Given in the shema in Deuteronomy, even before the Ten Commandments were spoken for the first time, we are commanded to love the Lord with all our mind. ALL our mind. Not just for the easy stuff. Not just for the day-to-day processing of events and conversations, but for the difficult, the hard to reconcile, the doubts, the questions, the wrestling. God gives us permission to engage our minds: to use our ability to reason, to research, to collaborate - all so that we can come to understand Him better, with the end goal of loving Him more.

Let us come together, engage our God-given intelligence, and have a grand collaboration of minds. Let us not be afraid to ask questions, because no question is bigger than the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The same God who parted the Red Sea, sent manna from heaven, healed people, walked on water, and redeemed His creation.

Have confidence in the One who made you.

(I apologize for a post that went far off course from its original intent, which was to say that a second reading is always deeper and more thorough than the first and I would recommend it.
Clearly I'm a wonderful blogger who plans out her posts and targets them to her audience and follows a pattern of posting. Bah. Hardly.)

reminder.

2011-02-23T13:51:00.001-06:00

If you constantly compete, compare, and complain, you will never truly enjoy life.

A message that we all need to be reminded of sometimes.

trust Him.

2011-02-15T23:53:00.001-06:00

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is in the Lord.

He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit."
--Jeremiah 17:7-8

When we continue to trust in the Lord, even a dry spell won't phase us. And not only trust in the Lord, but trust the Lord. It's hard sometimes to trust that God can do what He says He can do, isn't it? But if we do, even "in the year of drought" we will not cease to bear fruit. What a beautiful promise.

We will see the outpouring of the Lord in our lives, be a light for His Kingdom, even if He seems distant.
Let us cling to Him - trust Him.

community.

2011-02-14T01:17:00.001-06:00

We were not meant to be alone.

Even for Adam, in the perfect garden that God created as a paradise for His creation, it was not good for him to be alone. God created Eve as a companion for him.

When my sporadic bouts of independence kick in, this idea of community goes out the window. I think to myself, "I don't care if I don't see friends for a while, because, frankly, I can do this all on my own. Me and God? That's all I really need, and that's all I really want."

This time, it meant deciding to move several states away from everything I know. While I know that this decision is not a poor one, as the experience will be challenging but worthwhile, it was heavily influenced by my desire to get away - to be independent.

As I find myself back in Green Bay for a few weeks, I constantly think about the friends and family I have here; I think about the ties I have to family friends, to churches, to organizations, to non-profits, to so many things. As a result, this past week has been a cornucopia of memories made, conversations had, and love shared between old and new friends alike. I haven't had this kind of community in quite some time, and I've so missed being with people in this way. For better or for worse, by the time I moved out of my Chicago apartment, it seemed as if my relationships with my roommates weren't really friendships anymore, but just... well, we were just roommates.

Sad as it was, it made leaving Chicago much easier. And it left me longing for consistent fellowship. Being in this discipleship program will mean close quarters, intentional community, and conflict resolution, resulting in deeper relationships and deeper faith. Is that not what community was created for? To help us turn our faces back to Christ, to bring us into this holy community of believers, to encourage one another, to worship together in heart, mind, strength, and spirit.

I pray to have consistent fellowship someday - living life together, instead of living a year together, knowing that we will go our separate ways at the end of it. I'm tired of living as a transient. Something permanent would hold me down, force me to rely on other people, tame those bouts of independence, and, my goodness, would just give me some of that long-desired stability.

But now is not that time. Come December or maybe the following June, perhaps it will come. Sigh. Isn't it sad that we always want what we don't have?

music: an outlet for the soul.

2011-02-12T01:44:00.000-06:00

I know I've posted about music before - particularly music as a means of emotional release.

But this time, well, it's something different. For the past few months, I have found myself profoundly emotionally influenced by music. When I hear a piece of music sung beautifully or pieced together well, regardless its lyrical content, I have to push back the tears. This kind of beauty pricks a part of my heart that I didn't know was so sensitive, but I just can't help it.

I ran into an old friend a few months ago. A music major, she talked about the difficulties of developing as a musician. She said that it has been very hard to grow, because she has to work through so many things to improve her performance. For example, why is she so afraid to play in front of the jury at the end of the semester? It runs deeper than just nervousness, as it begs the question, "why do I care so much what others think of me?"

One's musical development is inextricably linked to one's spiritual development.

Perhaps I have come to recognize aesthetic qualities in the music that I had previously overlooked, causing a new appreciation. Perhaps I am just in an emotional transition, which makes everything more personal. Perhaps it is the wonder of God's creation coming together to combine talents and abilities to make sounds that so please Him that on His behalf, even His followers cannot contain themselves.

Perhaps.
But what I do know is that I nearly cried at Daniel's Honors Band concert on Tuesday. I nearly cried (several times) at his show choir competition on Saturday. I even nearly cried during Kristen's 7/8th grade String Fling concert on Thursday. And, I'm a little ashamed of this one, during the American Idol Hollywood Week performances.
Ay yi yi.

This could mean that I am just becoming more aware of God's goodness in the aesthetic.
Or I'm just emotional.
Maybe just a combination.
Hopefully I'm not just emotional.

And on that note, it's time to get some sleep. Before I do, I want to leave you with a link to the website of Meredith Andrews. Her music is similar to that of Sara Groves - beautiful. I cried at her concert tonight, too - Go figure! Anyway, check this out: http://www.meredithandrews.com/

a space to call my own.

2011-02-09T18:57:00.000-06:00

The past few days, I painted my bedroom at my parent's house. Now it feels like I have a real place in this house again.

Back in August, my little sister and I switched bedrooms, since she would be the only kid living here after this summer when Daniel moves off to college. So Kristen got the huge, cool bedroom over the garage, while I traded into the smallest one with butterflies, picket fences, and trees painted on a sky blue wall. It's not a big deal, considering I only spend a few weeks here every year, but it just didn't feel like my own.

So when I figured out I would be spending February in Green Bay, my mom and I jumped on the opportunity to redo this room. It has turned out beautifully - so close to the bedroom I've wanted for years now.

I have started unpacking the piles of boxes that are scattered throughout the house. but as I put things away, I just keep wishing that I wouldn't have to pack them away again. Couldn't this room be my own bedroom in my own house? When, if ever, will I own a home? I want to do home projects: tiling floors, painting walls, decorating. But right now, I am in no place to have my own home. Not only have I lost a steady income, but I don't have a job to settle into, nor a home in which to settle. I'm a restless transient who doesn't want to be a transient anymore.

Someday I know that I will settle down, preferably sooner rather than later. For now, though, I need to be content with where God is bringing me. Let this newly decorated bedroom be a reminder that someday I will be able to decorate not only a bedroom, but a whole home. Let that day come quickly!

liturgy.

2011-02-05T01:19:00.002-06:00

The past few weeks, I have ached for liturgy.

It's refreshing to hear something in a prayer that isn't a whole lot of nothing stretched into ten-minute monologues that utilize dozens of Christian cliches simply because they are the first things that come to mind. While liturgy is not solely prayers, but Scripture readings and teachings, it is structured, intentional, Scriptural - beautiful.

Now, don't get me wrong. Personal prayer is very important. In a relationship, spending time is crucial to the growth of said relationship, and the same goes with one's relationship to/with God. Prayer is fundamental.

I'm just tired of hearing the same seemingly meaningless prayers over and over:

"God, bless the Smith family." (What the heck do you mean by bless? Do you even know what you're asking for? Be specific and use Scripture to back up why you're asking for what you're asking.)

"Let your presence come fill this place as we worship you." (The primary instances of God showing his presence in Scripture instilled great fear in the people. The temple shook, the curtain tore, the people were terrified - Do you really know what you're asking for? Because God filling a place doesn't necessarily mean pretty music making you feel all loved and warm and fuzzy inside.)

There are countless other examples, but you get the idea - We pray thoughtlessly using the Jesus-terminology we hear over and over. I am no exception, which is why I've started a small collection of resources that help to deal with this problem. Here are a couple of my favorites:

The Valley of Vision

A Puritan book of prayers, this collection helps one to better understand his place before the Lord, while praying Scripture and being reminded of God's attributes.

Common Prayer

While this does come in book format, the website provides daily prayers, midday prayers, evening prayers, and occasional prayers. Each selection has a short anecdote followed by Scripture readings and prayers. When I don't know where to go for daily devotions, this is where I go. Here is the website.

Homily Recap

This website is an extension of the church Grace Chicago. I have attended here several times, and the liturgy is always, and I mean always, beautiful, praiseworthy, and honoring to God. While this site is not the liturgy itself, it has weekly recaps of the homily. These writings inspire deep thought and profound worship of our Savior.

That's all for now.
After shoveling a total of three hours of the last three days, my car was released from its hold in the deep. Thanks to the help of my dad, brothers, and Mark, I'm back in Green Bay for a few weeks. Let the cheesehead adventures continue - Go Pack!

blizzard.

2011-02-03T15:33:00.000-06:00

This blizzard has brought people together.

My drive home from downtown at the onset of a blizzard on Tuesday took an hour and a half. Normally 20 minutes, the drive should have been awful. Instead, it was relaxing. People drove slowly, left gaps for people to merge in, didn't try to race through yellow lights. I didn't hear a single honk the entire time - a rarity. Drivers were actually considerate, slow, and calm, despite the crazy long time it took for anyone to get anywhere.

Yesterday morning, I bundled up and trekked through the snow to shovel out my car. Not because I needed to use it (the roads at that point were impassable anyway), but because it needed to be done at some point. There were dozens of people outside! People walking their dogs; neighbors holding their shovels, standing in groups talking; others digging out vehicles; even a man snowblowing a walking path across an intersection - a necessity for public transit commuters! There really is community in this neighborhood, even if it's invisible in the winter.

As for this apartment, well, it's in boxes. Everything is packed save my clothes, and it feels great! This move will be a good one, I'm sure of it. :)

precious moments.

2011-01-31T00:02:00.000-06:00

I had a grand finale weekend with the girls who I have spent the last year and a half caring for. It would be the last weekend of caring for them for a long time, possibly ever. With each one I was given a precious moment. Moments so much more precious than the ones depicted in the over-produced porcelain figurines by the same name.

With Victoria, it was after her much-needed nap, when she wasn't quite ready to get up yet. She cuddles into my lap in the rocking chair. I feel her breathing get heavier, slower, as her eyes close again, then open. Her little body resting on mine. That half hour, whispering to one another between short bouts of her sleep and mine, is one I hold dear.

Before she started kindergarten, Katherine would come downstairs after rest time, leap into my lap on the kitchen stool, and beg to help me with the crossword puzzle in the RedEye that I so faithfully completed. This weekend, we shared that time again. She, guessing crazy words for the simplest clues, and I, trying my best to guide her to the correct answer, were able to mostly complete yet another crossword puzzle. Halfway through, Katherine snatches the pen from the counter and scrawls across the newspaper page, in her kindergarten all-caps handwriting: "I LUVE ERIN," then tosses the pen down and skips to the bathroom. Sometimes I feel so undeserving of this love - the kind that kisses me goodnight even after I've lost my patience. Sigh. The love of a child is priceless.

Audrey is a troubled soul. Artistic, abstract, and wonderful, she is often hard to figure out. She keeps quiet and her thoughts are only hers. Walking home from art class one afternoon in September, she just stops walking, looks around, and sits down, leaning on a tree trunk. I smile, take a seat next to her, and ask "whatcha doin?" Her reply came several silent minutes later: "Just thinking," she says as she pushes herself back up and starts running toward home. This weekend, she let me into her little mind for even just a moment as she told me about her paintings - why she chose the colors she did, how she was feeling when she painted them, and what they meant. If a glimpse is all I get, I'll take it.

These girls will forever and always have my heart.

freedom.

2011-01-27T21:24:00.000-06:00

The past few days have been wonderful. I had dinner with my roomies at our regular spot, Dunlay's on the Square. I found a great new coffeeshop called the Safari Cup. I spent a night with dear friends. I had wonderful, rich, expensive hot chocolate from Hot Chocolate with a camp friend who shares my love for the Packers.

The greatest part has been the great freedom I've felt. Last night when I got a call from Andrea asking if I would come hang out and spend the night, I had nothing to say but, "Sure, why not?" I had absolutely nothing stopping me. No obligations, nothing going on in the morning... nothing. It felt good to wake up and have a leisurely shower and pancake breakfast and then go out for coffee with Andrea too. What a wonderful way to start the day!

As I begin the packing process, I have decided that this will be the most organized packing/loading/unloading/sorting/unpacking experience I have ever had. I decide it, so I will MAKE it happen, have no doubt! A chart with each box I need to pack including type (box/bag/bin), contents, packing order, and destination has been my guide, and will be the bible of my move. That is, until the time crunch inevitably crushes my dreams and all the planning gets thrown in the trash. Oh well.

I look forward to February - a month of coffee dates, time with friends, redecorating the bedroom with my mom, reading and repacking; preparing myself for the move, a very programmed schedule for the next year, and just enjoying this time.

Here's to my chart and its effective implementation :)

rules.

2011-01-25T23:24:00.000-06:00

Life is full of rules. Some written, some silently understood and followed. Some are specifically Christian moral rules/values, while some are merely cultural.

It seems my life has been a rotating list of them. Dos and Don'ts that rival the precision of those in Leviticus.

The past year I have had freedom from the rules that I was under at my parent's house, the rules I agreed to for my summers on staff at camp, still more rules for my internship, and the real killer - those I signed myself away to follow during undergrad.

No watching movies on campus.
No dancing.
No drinking.
No burning candles. Not even on candle warmers.
No comedy clubs.
No
NO
NO!

All of these prohibited me from doing something that would otherwise be perfectly acceptable by society and by God's law, too.

Yes, rules are there for a reason. Yes, most of the reasons for these prohibitions were logical and understandable. But, let me tell you, it feels good to light a candle, pop in a movie, and drink a glass of wine! This past year I have enjoyed these freedoms quite frequently.

Starting in March, however, I will be back under stricter guidelines as a means to learn more and interact better with the teens. All good reasons, don't get me wrong, but rules nonetheless. I suppose life will always give us lists of dos and don'ts, won't it?
Lord, help us to submit to these earthly authorities as we do to yours.

Superbowl XLV, here we come!

2011-01-23T18:50:00.000-06:00

I come from a place where people proudly wear foam cheese on their heads, sometimes flipping it over to create a chip bowl complete with three cup holders for their beer cans. This small place is the one where churches change their service times on game days. The city where dozens of street names, hotels, and restaurants are named after the best players and coaches in our history. A place where 112,000 people literally own stock in the football team and where an increase in sales tax paid for a new stadium. In this stadium, thousands of people congregate wearing nothing but boxers and body paint in the dead of winter, while the remaining tens of thousands bundle up and weather the cold, wondering why they all have pneumonia the next day.

This may seem strange to some. But to me? It's home.

Welcome to Green Bay Packers territory.
And welcome to Superbowl XLV, baby!

it's cold.

2011-01-21T13:01:00.000-06:00

It's cold today. Really cold.
Days like this make me want to curl up and go back to bed. Fortunately, not working until 2pm gives me plenty of freedom to do just that.

Until I'm not sleepy anymore. Only then do I realize how little I have left to do at home today, because I have several errands to run. But the bitter cold is no invitation for running errands.

So I find myself here on the couch under my NWC sweatshirt blanket (the BEST kind, hands down) watching last night's Thursday NBC lineup.

Sigh. Will spring ever come?

literature.

2011-01-15T15:04:00.003-06:00


The next book on my reading list- Madman by Tracy Groot

This morning, after delicious cinnamon rolls and coffee, I had a conversation with Mariah and Lacy about literature. The intellectual kind, where we talk of the depravity of man grotesquely illustrated through the stories of Frankenstein and Dracula. About the mundane as depicted by Ernest Hemingway (rather drudgingly, as I discovered this week trying to read The Sun Also Rises and subsequently putting it down after 75 pages).

Discussions such as these engage the mind in a way that most others don't. It causes one to relate the path of humanity to that of someone's creative genius, all in reference to God's grace and His overarching role in all aspects of our lives.

Literature is just so beautiful, so relevant to everyday life, that it will always have a place in my life. Apparently book clubs are in my future, though decidedly not an Oprah's book club or a Christian self-help book club, but a real one in which we read real meaningful, well-written literature, not just the latest best-seller.

One ending thought - One of my meaningless, yet important to me, goals in life is to have a study or library with floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. Someday :)

crossing off that list.

2011-01-14T12:42:00.002-06:00

The brilliant Albert Einstein once said:
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results."

For me, this means staying up really late watching clips on hulu, perhaps some episodes of the latest released tv shows on netflix, or possibly even playing Tetris Battle on Facebook, then waking up late the next morning, feeling like I have wasted the day, as there are only a few hours left before I have to go to work.

So why do I stay up late? Perhaps I could blame YouTube, thus blaming the internet, ultimately blaming Al Gore and the liberal left. Or I could take real responsibility and say that I lack self-discipline.

Confession complete.
Solution? Well, if I go to bed at 11 every night, then I will wake up refreshed at a decent hour. Simple solution, or so it seems. Because after a few days of devotion to this routine, I will inevitably take my computer into my bedroom at night and the cycle repeats. Insanity? Unfortunately.

----------

Since my stay in Chicago will end three weeks earlier than I had expected, I have a lot of catch-up to do on my list of things to do before I leave.

Scheduled to be accomplished? Second City. Blue Man Group. The Chinese place a few blocks away.
Free admission to the Chicago History Museum on Mondays.
Free week at the Shedd Aquarium next week.
Free admission to the Adler Planetarium the following week.
Three more Waterhouse nights with the girls.
Several coffee shops for a new morning reading routine.

The list of things I still-want-to-do-but-haven't-the-time continues. But someday? Oh, someday. I WILL do them all!

faithful.

2011-01-12T13:06:00.001-06:00

Why do I not trust that God will work everything out?
He provides in ways better than I would ever hope.

Somehow, knowing that He is faithful is different that believing that He is faithful.
Lord, help my unbelief.

difficult, but hopeful.

2011-01-07T17:06:00.000-06:00

Full of hard changes, this has been a difficult, but hopeful, week.

It seems things are going to transition much more quickly than I had anticipated with my housing and my job, leaving me with two, possibly three, weeks in February of hardly any work, no roommates, and no internet (which always seems to be a fallback). As I think about that time, it makes me want to cry. I don't have many real friends left in the city, as many were students and in periods of transition (as was/am I), so have moved on. And I won't have many, if any at all, commitments during that time.

While I mourn the loss of everything I have grown accustomed to, it leaves me hopeful for what I can do with all of that time:
I hope to shrink my reading list.
The list of museums I'd like to visit will get checked off
I hope to frequent the 8th floor of the Harold Washington Library where there are piano practice rooms available.
A whole lot of time alone to reflect on the end of a season of my life.
Perhaps visits to friends who live near Chicago?

Nevertheless, I look at my lovely, soon to be mostly empty, apartment and I have to convince myself that this list will make it an enjoyable time. I have confidence that God will use it to prepare me for the next stage.

New Year, New Adventures

2011-01-03T09:36:00.000-06:00

In their song "Closing Time", Green Day says it perfectly:
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"

We always look forward to things. In elementary school, I longed for the day that I would step foot in the middle school as a student. As a middle schooler, I couldn't wait to get out of the pre-pubescent hell-hole and escape into high school. In high school, every day was a day closer to graduation, when I would drive head-on into life at camp. Even the time at camp was in preparation for college, which led into what I thought was "real life."

The beginnings and ends of things are so pronounced, the waiting so exciting, that I often forget the inbetween, the mundane - the time when we actually have the opportunity to enjoy things, experience things, live.

While 2011 will certainly include another transition, another move, more new people in a new city, I hope to truly enjoy my time there instead of anticipating what's next.

This is my challenge: Find something to enjoy about every day - use excitement for the future to enjoy life now. Each day is a beautiful gift from the Lord; let us not forget we are given life in abundance.

2010-12-28T22:09:00.000-06:00

Despite the joy of the holiday season (and the onslaught of the awful red and green color combination) the past week has been difficult. My family and I just spent a day and a half in North Dakota, with a 12-hour drive on either end of it. In fact, as I write this, I am in Fargo, North Dakota at a hotel for the night, ready to finish the drive at the crack of dawn.

Trips to see Grandma and Grandpa Forsman were always exciting. We looked forward to running out in the woods and "driving" the tractors on the farm. Climbing the hay bales in the barn and playing checkers were staples of our visits. Then they moved into town (a small town, but a town nonetheless). Well, then we looked forward to playing Scrabble as our vocabularies grew and our strategy developed. We would play croquet in the front yard and watch the squirrels in the back. Grandpa would let us shoot his BB guns and Grandma would make her famous wheat buns. We would sit around the breakfast table eating cookies dipped in coffee (an apparently Swedish tradition?) and listening to Grandpa's stories.

This visit was not quite so wonderful. Ever since Grandpa's stroke in March, visits have been a sad reminder of how short life is; of how quickly one's situation can change. Living in a nursing home now, Grandpa in the regular section and Grandma in the Alzheimer's unit, we have to sell their house. This was the final walk-through, pick-up, and "find all the sentimental or precious items to keep" trip before the mid-January auction and closing date.

There were so many memories held in those closets. Boxes full of bags full of old cards, letters, and pictures from as far back as the early 1900s - so much life enclosed in those precious items.

It was difficult to leave the house, knowing that I will never again enter. Visits will be much different now - staying at the local motel with occasional visits to the nursing home so as not to overwhelm Grandma and Grandpa. No more Swedish breakfasts, many more tears, and a much harder time leaving, knowing that there may not be another visit. Sigh. Such is life..

On a lighter note, we found some of Grandma's old glasses. And they're back in style! A short photo shoot ensued.

Within the next couple days, I want to post more thoughts on aging - Here's a reminder to myself :)

the Messiah.

2010-12-20T23:49:00.002-06:00

As the season of Advent continues, I am continually reminded of the importance of this season, and the incredible gift Jesus was and is to this world.

Last night, I saw the Apollo Chorus perform Handel's Messiah. While I have heard the Hallelujah chorus countless times, I had never heard the masterpiece in its entirety. Handel wrote the music to the Messiah after Charles Jennens had completed a "libretto" of beautifully interwoven passages of Scripture to celebrate the birth, death, and resurrection of Christ.

Leonard Van Camp described the three parts of Messiah as follows:
I. Prophecy and Promise of the Redeemer
II. The Suffering Lamb who Redeems
III. Thanksgiving for the Defeat of Death

This compilation of verses is extensive and includes scores of prophetic passages as well as the fulfillment of those prophecies from the New Testament, presenting a complete story of Christ's . A stunning combination of words and music, choral and instrumental parts, and the most incredible lyrics (as expected, considering they come straight from the Bible).

It was phenomenal. Go see a performance of Handel's Messiah if you ever have a chance.

On a related note, the pastor at my church has been preaching a short series called Rediscovering Christmas. Last week the sermon focused on the historical context of Jesus' birth. The reason Caesar Augustus is specifically mentioned in Luke 2, is because he is a significant part of the day's culture. Caesar Augustus was a tyrant who brought what the Romans called "peace" by ravaging scores of villages. He killed thousands, enslaved many more, and wrought fear in all the rest. He expanded his empire by paying his military to rebuild the infrastructure and he paid them by taxing the population. He called this particular census in order to count the people in his empire so that he could tax them. Caesar demanded their loyalty by enforcing titles such as "Savior", "Son of God", and "Redeemer." Do those sound familiar?

The people in Israel were terrified of the Romans. They sought, waited, and hoped for someone to save them from this empire. When Mary, in her Magnificat (Luke 1:46-55), says, "My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior" (vv. 46-47), she does not just recognize Jesus as Lord and Savior. No, Mary basically says, "Screw you, Caesar. God is the one who will have the last word, not you!" Her statement was radical.

Jesus was not just a meek and mild child in a stable. No. He was the living, breathing flesh of God! He came into the REAL world to deal with REAL problems, not to help us escape this world to get to heaven.

Let us rejoice in this truth. :)

boring and sterile.

2010-12-18T10:45:00.000-06:00

And THIS is why I love the city:

"Why do people move to suburbia? To have kids! So no wonder it seemed boring and sterile. The whole place was a giant nursery, an artificial town created explicitly for the purpose of breeding children."

The article from which this came, however, is nothing about suburbia, save for a few sentences mid-argument. Instead, the article is entitled "Why Nerds are Unpopular" and brings incredible insight into teen society. Check it out!

(Quote taken from an article to which I was guided by Peter Hedlund. Thank you, friend!)

"do you not trust me?"

2010-12-16T21:34:00.001-06:00

Through the last couple months of indecision and uncertainty (that nearly killed my soul), the resounding lesson was: "Do you not remember what I have brought you through? Do you not trust me?"

Only when I remembered that I am here for a purpose, God has not forgotten, and I don't need to worry so much - did something like this fall into my lap.

Discipleship/mentorship has always had my heart. Hurting teens have grasped my time and energy in countless situations, and I would love for it to be a part of my life. The hard part is that I don't feel ready (whatever that means..) to go into a specific profession at this point.

A few weeks ago, I received an e-mail as a response to an inquiry I had sent to a particular residential treatment facility. The response, however, was from an organization I had never heard of, but apparently works in conjunction with this facility. A one-year, paid program in which I receive one-on-one mentorship, live in a tight community of other people who love Jesus too, live with hurting teens who are grasping for the Lord, and gain some experience in the field that I think I want to pursue? God must have orchestrated this, for there is no other way.

After an interview process, I am officially accepted to this program. The first week of March, I will be moving to Kansas City, Missouri to do a program called Doulos Discipleship. Check out their website to learn more about who that are and what they do. You won't regret it. :)

Let us raise a glass to taking this next step.

invested.

2010-12-12T14:34:00.000-06:00

I find myself far too emotionally invested in these little throw-the-ball-knock-em-down Packer games. How did this loyalty to a team build up this much? My neighbors must think I'm crazy, with all the yelling going on up here.

At least I don't have a Packer shrine like this: (If I did, I would need you to put me in check, okay?)

snow.

2010-12-04T16:11:00.003-06:00

The first real snow of the season :)

I love untouched blankets of snow. The first person out on my street this morning, I had the privilege of making the first marks on the white ground. It was lovely :)

When I got to my car, instead of finding a nice, white layer of snow covering it, I found a gray, sloppy, slush. Unfortunately, parking around the corner from my apartment is just next to/below the interstate and makes for ugly, polluted snow. Bummer.

And to the girl sitting behind me at the Peter Mulvey concert last night:

His music does not need a drum accompaniment.
Your feet are not drum sticks.
My chair legs are not drums.
Please do not use them as such.
Sincerely,
Erin

a season of anticipation.

2010-12-03T12:46:00.004-06:00

Until this year, I never really knew what Advent was. Growing up in church, we would have people light the candles of the Advent wreath each Sunday leading up to Christmas, but it was merely a tradition. I was never shown, nor did I explore or come to understand, the importance of this season. This year, however, I have several people in my life who have been talking about Advent, and it brought with it a new appreciation of the candle-lighting ceremonies of my childhood.

Advent is "a time of expectant waiting and preparation for the celebration of the Nativity of Jesus at Christmas." While this time is meant to commemorate the season of waiting before the Messiah came, it also celebrates the period of waiting for the Second Coming of Christ.

Expectant waiting - Anticipation of what is to come. The kind of excitement and joy that builds up until finally, the day comes when we celebrate the birth of our Savior. An entire season to celebrate waiting? When we wait in long lines, we sigh because it takes so long. When we have to wait a long time for someone, we get frustrated because they haven't come on time. Yet, every year, we celebrate waiting and the anticipation of what is to come. Let this reign over your perspective when faced with extraordinarily awful traffic - let the expectation of what is to come help you through it.

Preparation - What does it mean to prepare for Christmas, aside from our American consumeristic notions of gift-buying and candy-making? Having an advent wreath as a visible reminder and reading Bible passages about the coming Messiah (Isaiah would be a good start) are good ways to prepare your heart and mind for Christmas.

This December is different than most, as the focus is no longer on the gifts, the cookies, the decorations, or even the peppermint white mochas (with less flavoring and extra espresso, of course :)). Instead, let this be a time to reflect upon the birth of the One who gave us life - a true remembrance and act of thanks for this precious gift. Let us not forget the origin of this warm and cheery holiday.

Side notes:
Gordon Conwell sends out a daily Advent devotional e-mail. Sign up here.

I also follow this blog, in which the author will make weekly posts this month about the Advent season. Check it out!

just for fun.

2010-11-27T16:07:00.000-06:00

Here I am with my favorite little siblings: Kristen, Daniel, and Timothy.
Don't worry - Daniel had just performed in the musical White Christmas, hence the stage makeup.

christmas decorations.

2010-11-27T16:00:00.000-06:00

Christmas has officially exploded at my parents' house. The day after Thanksgiving is always decorating day - a day when the basement clears of the red and green storage bins, the fall decor comes down, and ornaments, snowmen, Santas, red cloths, carolers, wreaths, stockings and lights fill the house with Christmas spirit.

On the Christmas tree in the family room, are dozens of homemade ornaments. In fact, there are no traditional colored Christmas bulbs on the tree. Among the branches lie construction-paper hearts with photos of us as children, bulbs into which we put paint and shook them creating a marble effect, stars made from felt and glitter, candy canes made from beads and pipe cleaners, and so many more personalized ornaments. This Christmas tree is beautiful in that it holds decades of memories on its branches. We recall the stories of the ornaments as we put them up.

The best story is of a round, cardboard cut-out with a picture of a candle glued to it. A hole at the top allows for a ribbon to put it up, even 29 years after it was made. This particular memory hails back to the year my parents got married. Too poor to buy ornaments, they made their own out of whatever they had. Each year, they hang this one up together and remember their life together. Years and years of memories are found in that small circle.

Happy Winter!

2010-11-23T22:33:00.001-06:00

It was coooold today, so I got to wear my cute new purple winter coat.

And thus begins the winter season. Brrrrrr.

Amazon is offering an album, The 99 Most Essential Christmas Masterpieces, for $1.99. Let me tell you, this album is wonderful. Not only do you get 99 songs for $1.99 (amazing!), but it includes symphonic wonders, beautiful music that we sometimes forget about during the holiday season as we usually get lost in the obnoxious, repetitive (yet lively) songs of Mariah Carey and N*Sync. Here is a link to the album offer.

Enjoy the start of winter!

establish my steps.

2010-11-16T20:29:00.001-06:00

I have always been a problem-solver, a fixer, and a planner, so when I find myself in a place of such uncertainty, my instinct is to make plans. NOW.

It has always made sense to me: Make plans for the future, dream big, figure out how to get there, and take the steps necessary to ensure that the goal is reached. Suddenly, however, I don't know what that big dream is, thus there is no goal.

Living a life of faith means taking the steps when God shows them. Proverbs 16:9 says "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." I need to just take those steps in faith, knowing that God will lead me where He wants me to go. He will establish my steps, regardless where I think they will lead.

Oy. Lord, grant me faith.

always watching.

2010-11-13T23:58:00.000-06:00

As I pulled up next to a police officer today, I did as I usually do: Tense up a bit, check to make sure that my phone is put away in my purse, stay behind the crosswalk, and be extra cautious. My driving isn't normally bad, and there would have been no reason for the police officer to pull me over even if I hadn't been nervous and extra cautious of my driving.

Yet, I took this little momentary thing and worried about it. I changed my actions instantly because I thought I was being watched. But are we not always being watched? Why does knowing that a person is watching elicit an improvement in behavior, while knowing that God is watching merely makes me nod my head and say, "yeah, I know"?

Let my focus remain on the One thing that does matter; on the One person for whom our actions have eternal consequence; on the only One who is worthy of our praise, affection and adoration.

food therapy

2010-11-10T14:14:00.002-06:00

I got off of work early today, and I immediately went to Whole Foods for their orange chicken. Organic chicken, no MSG, and brown rice, served with Hot and Sour soup. A no-guilt way to eat completely unauthentic Chinese food. Mmmm :)