relationship.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."  - C.S. Lewis

My dear friend Lisa always says, "Relationships are weird."  I am reminded these last few weeks of how true that is.  Not only are they weird, but they are hard.

People are so vastly different.  We all act differently, we think differently, and being around different people brings out varying facets of who we are.  We give our stories, our past, our dreams, our time and energy, and, most importantly, our emotions.  And in that revealing of who we are, we give ourselves, in small pieces, to those with whom we are in relationship.

Acquaintances, friendships, dating relationships, and family all require a person to give and to receive.  But then if and when those relationships end, well, those pieces of you go with the person who leaves.  It's strange.  And it hurts.  It happens when you move from one place to another, leaving behind relationships that will inevitably change with distance.  It happens when a dating relationship ends and that person will no longer ever be a part of your life.

We are made to be in relationship, and those things that make us known to the other are the very things that make us the most vulnerable.  Those are also the things easiest to withhold for fear of getting hurt.  So I withhold and my fears are validated when relationship ends.

Yet for the sake of my well-being long-term, it is time to relinquish that fear, give up the hurt and disappointment, and make myself vulnerable, but this time using better discernment to choose the receiving end.

As C.S. Lewis said, "your heart will certainly be wrung and broken", yet I know of a great healer who puts those pieces back together if the hurt is great, and even if it is small.  He is Healer, He is good, He is faithful, and my heart is whole and full.

disobedience.

God always gets His way.
But you know what is forever true?  His way is always the best way.  Even if it takes time to for us to realize it.

God often calls us to do specific things.  Some are easy and enjoyable, others are difficult and take a lot of courage.  Like Jonah, we have the choice to obey and go to Ninevah, or to say no and run in the opposite direction.

When we disobey that voice of God and run the other way, there is most certainly disappointment at the other end.  Disappointment and pain that could have so easily been avoided had you just done what you knew you should have done to begin with.  Disobedience will always always lead to disappointment.

His plan for our lives is bigger and better than what we see in our day to day.  His desire is to use us, to love us, to bring us closer and closer to himself in order to bring restoration to this world.  He knows us inside and out, knows our desires before we do, knows our thoughts before we think them, and absolutely desires the best for our lives.  So when He tells me to do something, why do I still choose to think that my way is better?

It stems from a pattern I was recently reminded of.  A pattern of rebellion and disobedience that once had very tangible consequences in the form of spankings as a small child, then grounding and restricted computer use in my teens.  It progressed to internal consequences of feelings of guilt and condemnation over disobedience after I left Green Bay.  And now?  Well, now it seems God is showing me again and again that He gets His way whether I choose to listen to Him or not.  The consequence?  Pushing myself away from the one, the only one who has my best interests in mind and can tell me what I need to do.  I create my own consequences when I separate myself from the creator, the lover, the one who wants desperately for me to return to Him.

So I repent and I obey and I run to Him, confident that He knows best.  That the development of my respect for my authorities here on earth is to now be translated to a God who is my ultimate authority.  If I were to go to the Lord first and listen to the Spirit first and trust in Jesus first, well.. I would be in unbroken communion with God.  And this is what I desire.

name change.

As I've been thinking about the name of this blog, I just didn't like it.  "Life is an adventure" seemed cliche and, honestly, was the first name I thought of when I first started this blog four years ago.  Therefore, its thoughtlessness has finally gotten the better of me, and a new name has been tugging on my heart.

I strive to pursue life.  Life is joy and relationship.  Life is excitement and rest.  Life is in abundance with our faithful Creator.  Life is worth pursuing, so I do.

And here on this newly-named blog I will continue to write about it.

he will not prevail.

As I knelt on a trash bag, precisely laid against the floorboard, I scrubbed.  The once-white hard-bristled brush was now covered in chemicals and the spores of a black mold that had grown overnight on a small portion of the wall.  I WILL eliminate this if it's the last thing I do is all that was running through my mind.  The flowery scarf tied around my head blocked the spores from entering my mouth and nose, and the gloves on my hands protected my skin.

The "get rid of black mold" supply list.

Earlier, I carefully poured several solutions of various combinations of vinegar, hydrogen peroxide and baking soda on my brand new mattress.  I was exhausted after a busy weekend at work and all I wanted to do when I arrived home was to lay down and sleep.  The smell of cat urine was pungent as I nearly laid my head on the now-contaminated pillow.  The questions raced:  Why this?  Why now?

Today I carefully took a bucket of bleach water and, square by square, scrubbed the linoleum floor.  All I wanted was to be free from the filthy residue from the dirty water that regularly poured itself from the rusted pipes.  Thanks to the handiwork of a plumber, the pipes are fresh and new and the water stays inside of them as it was always meant to.

And I remembered.  I remember the words of a post I wrote just last week that fully centered on hope and staying positive.  I wrote, "Why not look at the positive, see the possibility for redemption in the brokenness of our shattered lives?"  Oh goodness, how easily I forget in the day to day.

The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  I know this to be true.  But what the devil means for harm, the Lord makes good.

This weekend at work, we took the residents to another conference, this one in Springfield, Missouri.  The way that the speakers proclaimed truth and the power with which they encouraged that particular body of women, well, I left with a renewed passion for a long-forgotten dream that God placed in my heart years ago.  I will write more about that some other time, but my point here is that God did something in me this weekend, and the only way the devil could retaliate was by making me frustrated, yet again, by my living situation.

He will not prevail.  My God is bigger.

Timely, how this negative attitude came over me right after writing about optimism.  It is as if that very piece of me was tested this week by various things.  I was asked, "What about if this happens, will your hope be crushed?  What about now when life get messy?  Will you still find the positive?  Then let's hit you with more and see if that is enough to crush you."

He will not prevail.  My God is bigger.

hope.

There is a certain energy that comes from an excited crowd of people.  When a group of individuals comes together for a common purpose, whether it be a hobby or a cause, a common interest or to support an organization, passion stirs.

I recently went to a very large women's conference.  Women from across the country gathered and broke racial barriers, broke socio-economic barriers, and worshiped God together.  Somehow when that many women were gathered, all hungry for the Lord, it created an excitement that was contagious.  I couldn't help but jump and shout in worship, because the goodness of God became so radically apparent in the beauty of His creation by which I was surrounded.

On a seemingly (but not really... you'll see) unrelated note, I am a hopeless optimist.  I like to think the best of people, and find the spot of sunshine in even the most frustrating of situations.  I used to sing quietly into my little sister's ear when she was grumpy, "Gray skies are gonna clear up, put on a happy face.  Take off that gloomy mask of tragedy, it's not your style.  You'll look so good that you'll be glad you decided to smile.."  It was so ridiculously happy that she couldn't help but grin and subsequently develop a more positive outlook on whatever the situation was.

One of the residents I work with mocks me for my "Well, at least it's warm, even though it's raining!" glass-half-full comments.  A girl I work with tells me that I need to stop and be more realistic, because everyone doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt.  She pretty consistently counters my positive with a cynical negative.  So I began to reevaluate this outlook that I've come to hold, and even try to find negative in situations.  It was unnatural and seemed to only bring the other person down.  So I stopped.  I remember a time when my unwavering belief in the goodness of people led me to be used and manipulated by someone who I cared for deeply.  While the way that I care has most certainly changed as a result, my belief in a person's best intentions remains.

A message at this conference specifically validated my instincts.  Hope must be the anchor of the soul.  No matter how much we waver, we should be inseparably linked to the Lord of hope - a God of second chances.  A God whose precise purpose in sending His Son was for our redemption, our made right-ness.  Why not look at the positive, see the possibility for redemption in the brokenness of our shattered lives?  Our God sees the perfection of His son in the place of our wicked and sinful hearts that long for everything but the one thing that redeems us.

I choose to see the should be and the could be, and figure out how to make it possible.  It makes for a much more hopeful existence than the melancholy sights of an Eeyore.  And in the spirit of children's literature, I'll leave you with a suitable quote from a childhood classic:

"Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning," he said. "Which I doubt," said he.
"Why, what's the matter?"
"Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it."
"Can't all what?" said Pooh, rubbing his nose.
"Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush."

 

fleet foxes - a fall favorite.

The cooling weather, the rain, the calming.. fall is certainly on its way!

Last week I made pumpkin bread.  Yesterday I got a butternut squash and a white acorn squash - I'm excited to pair the experience of autumn with its flavors.  Mm.. A cup of chai tea sounds so good with all of these fall spices and warmth!

This song has become an early fall favorite.  Enjoy :)

academia. and sexual health and healing.

Last week I had a campus visit at Covenant Seminary here in Saint Louis.  I had been considering entering their counseling program, so wanted to get a good overview of the campus and their classes before making a decision to continue the application process.

Stepping into a class called God and His Word followed by Introduction to Counseling, my mind lit up with excitement.  It has been nearly two years since I delved so deeply into the realm of ideas, of theory and academia in general.  I've missed it.  The professor explained the importance of the particulars in regard to the universal, and how we cannot possibly understand the universal apart from our experience of it.  It reminded me of Dr. Rim's philosophy course at Moody, but somehow this time I understood it on an idea level and then was able to bring to a practical, applicable level.  I guess what we learned in college is more valuable than it seemed.

That day at Covenant brought me to step back from the world of crisis management and deescalation, the very practical, tactical side of things.  Instead, I could look at the realm of ideas, the theories that explain our everyday experiences.  The conversations came from this depth as well - a kind of conversation that I haven't engaged with in a long time.  It differs from the normal, which is based so much on people and events, storytelling really, instead delving into the why.  It was incredibly refreshing.

This is one reason why I so desperately want to return to the academic world.
-----

On a completely different note, my church began a new ongoing focus:  Sexual Health and Healing.  A topic rarely approached in the church in a non-condemning way, sex is one of the most widespread and profound ways in which Satan brings us to destruction.  It pervades our media, our humor, and can then so easily consume the body and mind.

Sexual immorality is a term so often used by preachers with a tone of judgment, but what is it really?  Anything that corrupts the picture of the perfect union of a married man and woman.  Anything.  In 1 Thessalonians 4, there is a concerned and protective warning about sexual immorality.  It's as if God is saying "I desperately want you to be with me and safe.  If you run in front of the car you will get hurt - I don't want that for you, daughter.  I love you enough to warn you that the temptation, the draw, is not worth it and it will separate you from me."

From a loving, gracious Father, he wants us to be in unbroken communion with him.  We cannot possibly have that if we at all indulge the images and ideas that defile his creation.  This is one of the reasons why God gave us the Holy Spirit - He helps us to look to holiness and hold God in a higher regard than we do our own pleasure.  The body and mind only do what the heart tells them to, so condition your heart.  Press into the Lord.

While all of that came only from the sermon this week, I find it interesting that the focus will continue.  This church sees the issue as one that can pervasively make or break a person, and therefore make or break the body of believers.  So many have either chosen sexual immorality or it has been forced upon them, that it will take a significant journey of healing to bring each and every one to wholeness again.  But that's the God we serve - He is able, there is healing, and there is nothing too big or too bad for my God.  The pastor is unafraid to speak boldly against something that he sees as the most destructive issue that remains untouched in most church circles, and to speak powerfully the restorative power of a God who raises people out of pits of destruction and despair.

I see a picture of a great spiritual revival  stirring up in this church, and it is so exciting to envision what God will do with a group of hundreds of people who live unashamed - healed and whole, on fire for the Lord!