how easily we forget...

i lose focus so easily..
i dream dreams and lose them so easily..
i have passion and i lose it so easily..

i used to be passionate about social justice issues.  i used to believe i could affect change.  i used to, as my ironically-favorite quote says: "dream great dreams and find the courage to live them."  and somehow that has been lost.

i see the utter depravity of this world and its systems and see that my little bit of input is not going to do much.  so instead of looking to the God who i know is more powerful than all of that, i look to myself and what i am capable of doing.  which ends up being small dreams, not bad dreams, just small ones.

in church yesterday, pastor peter talked about the quote "God will never give us more than we can handle."
um.... whoever said that was wrong.  very very wrong.  why? you ask..  well, just look at david, the shepherd: "hey you, yeah you little guy, go kill a giant and become king."  moses, the stutterer: "go deliver my people, okay?  you can do it!"  mary, the 15-year-old virgin: "go get pregnant by the Holy Spirit.  the fate of the world is on your shoulders."

did God really say any of those things?  no way!  God said "you can't.  but I can."

why do we set our goals, our dreams, so low when God is capable of so much more?  no, of course we can't do great things, but GOD CAN!  how easily we forget the power of the God who redeemed us.


i used to dream of opening a shelter for teenage girls.  runaways, victims of abuse, teenage mothers...  anyone who was hurting, needed a place to stay, and just needed love.
and then "reality" hit and i saw all of the legal issues involved.  i saw how devastating that kind of work is.
i chose to forget how powerful God is in all of this.  i chose to forget that it's not about what i am capable of.  it's not about what i'm emotionally able to handle.  this is a dream that may or may not be realized, but it's one that i need to give to the Lord.

to be completely honest, i'm terrified of its potential realization, because of the heavy responsibility that comes with it.  and yet i can't lose it - five years later and i just cannot forget about this little freshman-in-college-dreaming-big dream.

what are your dreams?  big dreams, that seem impossible so you push them back and choose not to think about them...  just imagine what GOD can do with that dream and a person who has the courage to give it up to the One who has the power to make it happen.

life.

the sun is shining, the music is playing, people are out and about..
it is a beautiful day.

i find myself in wonder and the possibilities of the summer ahead.  i may not have a lot of free time, but the festivals, the concerts, the trips are all so exciting.  in july, i will be visiting friends from northwestern, and that will definitely be a highlight, but there is so much more around it!

andrea talks about life being lived in small moments.  we need to enjoy each one of them.  why develop a routine, when each day can be different, can be exciting, and full of life?  while i understand there can be life within a routine, when i have one, i find myself becoming bored.  i need a little more excitement, to take initiative to make that happen.  what is life, if not to live it well?

*interjection - super creepy man in a big black van sitting outside starbucks.  gives me the shivers!*

changes.

spring is ending quickly, and that means my annual two-week bout of allergies is officially kicking in.  this is why i am still awake... my nose won't stop running.  ugh.

i see myself changing a lot in the last year or so.  i see my attitude changing toward the future, i see my goals changing, and more importantly, i see the motivation for my goals changing.  suddenly i prefer a comfortable life over one of meaning.  as my financial resources drastically increased when i started working full-time in january, i see my preferences changing to nicer things, more expensive things, when i could really just buy it used on craigslist or ebay.

i also noticed that i lack compassion.  i know the right things to say, and if i can really directly relate to what is being said, i can be compassionate, but it's not real and consistent.  i used to care so much, too much, i think.  i would delve myself into the lives of others.  in particular, there was one girl who i poured hundreds of hours into.  phone calls into the wee hours of the morning, emergency calls when i was hanging out with friends, e-mails nearly every hour, trips to the county police, and countless tears... i cared deeply about this girl.  it turned out that about three-quarters of what she was "dealing with" was a lie.

the funny thing was, when she told me the truth, i wasn't even upset.  all i could say was "i forgive you."  and i truly think i did forgive her.

but it changed me.

ever since, i've given my heart to no one.  at least not like i did before.  my compassion is limited to my words, and i don't fully engage with the things people bring to me to talk about.  have i lost the ability to love?  the ability to be in real, honest relationship?

maybe i need to go to counseling.
but for now?  i need to sleep.  hopefully the allergies will subside long enough to make that possible!

waiting for the mail.

- illinois license plates
- mazda/chase payment book
- graduation announcements

and each day i open my mailbox to... nothing.  well, that's a tiny lie.  today i received newsweek, yesterday was netflix, but nothing exciting, nothing that i've been waiting for.

what IS exciting is that stacy creswell is pregnant again!!  soo exciting :)  this means i'll be taking on quite a few more hours with them in the fall before the baby is born, and i'm excited for that too.  i really love that family.

somehow i've convinced myself that studying is absolutely unnecessary for a huge test i have on Saturday that will determine if i have to take an extra four courses in different subject areas.  it is an extremely important test, but i am utterly hopeless in my studying endeavors.  besides cracking the first few chapters of U.S. History for Dummies (which has been GREAT so far!), i haven't prepared in the slightest.  i need to buy a basic calculator.

my computer has been on my lap for far too long.  it's warm, and making my legs too warm for comfort.  i guess that just means it's time to shut down and go to bed!  ha.  do you like my logic there?

friends.

as i sit here, a beautiful two-week-old baby lies next to me sleeping.  the sun streams in the windows and the sounds of missy higgins fill the room.  i should be doing homework.  in fact, that's one of the reasons that jen took jake to his "away we play" class and me here with only little max.  as usual, i can't seem to focus.

i've been thinking recently about what it means to be "friends."  does it mean that you spend a lot of time together?  does it mean that you're near eachother?  that you were once in the same group of friends?  i've long considered people i knew in the past to be "friends" but i realize that's not necessarily the case.  some were only people i knew because we had mutual friends, or because we were on the same bro/sis.  but many of those people, i barely know, and hardly knew to begin with.  i've started saying "this guy i know" or "an old friend" instead of just referring to everyone i know as "friend."  maybe this is being too selective, but i see it as a means of clarifying how close i really am to that person, probably only for my own benefit.

a healthy switch, i think, as i don't want to be under the illusion that i have hundreds of friends.  instead, i'll know for sure that i have several friends and a whole lot of acquaintances and "people i know."

lists.

- my first big investment: a 2010 mazda3. (soo exciting!)
- jen had her baby last week, so i got a raise and i get to take care of a newborn.  a double success :)
- a weekend in green bay was good to spend with my family, but so thankful that i don't live at home anymore.
- i really like my old friends (specifically sara, teresa, and katelyn).  i wish i could spend more time with them.  if only we all lived in the same place.
- tonight my dinner consisted of lefse and peanuts.  a good explanation for my stomachache.
- we have framed photography sitting around our apartment that needs to be hung.  they are some of my photographs from italy.  seeing them decorate our apartment makes me feel like i'm really good at something.  a good feeling :)
- i've become a REAL regular at a starbucks near where i nanny three days/week.  it makes me feel like a real chicago adult!
- i want to go to omaha and sioux falls and reunite with old nwc friends.  i miss them.
- i like making lists in general.  i think that's why this post became a list so quickly.
- i have to take three online lit courses in the next few months.  i'm going to have to learn to speed-read.  fast.
- I want a family.  now, please.  thank you.
- i spend far too much time in this spot on the couch.  i sit here to watch tv.  i sit here to do homework.  i sit here to write e-mails.  i sit here to read.  i just sit here too much.  i need to find a new spot.
- i may only be working a half day tomorrow.  yet getting paid for a full day.  yess.  i love my jobs.
- i think i might be in classes on saturdays for the next five quads to get my ESL certification.  is it worth it?  hopefully.
- i need to go to sleep.  now.
- good night.
- the end.
- lame post.

looking back

this week i looked back at my old xanga site.
my goodness how much things have changed since then.  how much I have changed since then.

seeing myself now, i don't see much change, but only in looking back do i see how much my thoughts have shifted.  this may or may not be a positive change, but it's real nonetheless.  I find myself dwelling on superficial things now, not spiritual things.  it's as if my faith has been shifting, ever so slowly, to a back burner where it can sit until the water finally boils and i hear the whistling from the kettle.  but for now, i can ignore it.  that's kind of the attitude i've had recently.

i'm considering picking up an ESL certification to with my masters of education that i'm working on.  apparently (and i suppose i had heard this before) schools won't hire you if you don't have an extra endorsement because you're not as useful to them and not as qualified.  therefore, i may have to be in school an extra semester or two to finish that up.  but i'm just considering it.

last quad i was just fine with my homework... i read everything i was supposed to, and suddenly this quad the work is tripled and i just don't know how i'm going to get it all done!  i suppose i just have to learn, again, how to be disciplined.  i guess that would mean utilizing the ability that i already possess from undergrad.  this is going to mean a lot of time at starbucks getting all of this reading/assignments done.

my family is going to north dakota over Easter weekend to see grandma and grandpa again.  we're just afraid that grandpa will have another stroke, because he might not make it through another.  i may or may not be able to go... some things still need to be worked out.  if i stay in chicago, it would be the first time that i didn't spend Easter with family... sigh.

i need to keep reading.  i'm reading about puberty and reflecting upon my own.  what a great assignment, reliving all of those terrible middle school memories...