"dream great dreams and find the courage to live them"

-erwin mcmanus

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

hiatus over.

You may have noticed that I haven't posted in a while.  If not, don't feel bad, I'm not offended.  But you may have wondered why.

Well, here it is.

Sometimes things are hard.  I'm not fine all the time.  Sometimes things can't be fixed with an easy quip at the end of a blog post (ex. "So we press on").  And sometimes we just need time.

Any and every irrational thought, mis-timed feeling, and anxious leaning, I have learned how to replace with the rational and reasonable.  I look at a hard situation and tell myself that "I should be able to make it to the other side of it because obviously it's going to end.  Obviously it won't last forever.  Let's be realistic here."

In doing so, I denied myself of emotion.  I denied myself of being honest about what I thought.  I deceived myself and everyone around me into thinking I was a certain kind of person.

It was all a lie.
Unintentional, of course.  But a lie nonetheless.

As I'm honest about what I think instead of replacing my thoughts with ones I see as "better", well, it has brought up a lot of doubts.  My faith has been shattered and is slowly piecing back together.  My thoughts are raw and I see myself as the dirty, wicked sinner I am.  Real.  I feel like I'm finally being real.  With myself and with others too.

I didn't even know that I wasn't being real before.  It certainly was not intentional, but the realization wrecked me.  And now I'm healing from it.

In that time of doubt, well, I had to deal ruthlessly with my own soul.  To lay the axe to the root of so many wrong foundations.

I made some choices that I regret and wasted time doing what I wanted.
But I finally gave up the last piece.  The piece of my own desires that I finally surrendered.
And dang, it wasn't easy.
It never is, is it?

But I am so confident that it was right.  Giving in to the God who has had control all along and always will.
Lord, help me, because as much as this is right, it's hard.

It's hard to blog about what God is doing in your life and what He is teaching you when you don't let yourself see it.  That's why I stopped for so long, and that's why I'm starting again.