another summer. another incident.

it always seems that violence happens most during the summer. statistics say that it's true, and so does my experience.

last summer, a man was shot and killed a block away from where i lived in albany park. we heard the shots. we heard the sirens. we were walking down the street.

last summer, a man was shot twice in the butt right across the street from the park on the south side that i brought my CSM groups to volunteer during the day. we saw it happen. we saw the guys run.

so this summer, i'm living in logan square, just north of humboldt park. this neighborhood is supposedly far safer than the other two i was in last summer. but, well.. it's not.

a few nights ago, one of the guys downstairs, a friend of mine, was talking on the phone on the front steps at around midnight when a couple of guys walk out of the alley. one walks right up the steps toward matt and pulls a gun on him.

wow... i don't even know what i would do except panic. which is pretty much what matt did. he gave up his wallet and cell phone, while sara, another girl downstairs heard the commotion and came to the front window. the guy points the gun at her through the window and threatens her too.

they end up running off and getting caught several hours later on the other side of the city. but matt and sara? wow. frazzled, to say the least.

i can't even imagine what that would be like. or how i would ever be able to truly process it.

i already have flashbacks to my 2006 car accident, but to a gun being pointed at my face?? ack. i don't even know.

so i'm asking for prayers for matt and sara. they're having a tough time working through it, and still keeping their minds on their jobs with YouthWorks.

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on a much lighter note, we finally got our first paychecks. God provides, sometimes after he teaches us a valuable lesson about giving up control. hm...

summer.

my new home is in logan square. it's the second floor of a beautiful house. it has huge front windows, two bedrooms, beautiful hardwood floors, fully furnished, and it's just... perfect.

my summer job is at salem christian school. i'll be counseling for their summer day camp program. it's a 9-4 job, which is completely different from any other summer job i've had before. but i like it! we are one day away from finishing the staff training, and then camp starts on monday! it's exciting.

this morning we had about a half an hour just to spend in silent prayer, and it was beautiful.

as much as i know that Jesus is the rock and i'm standing on Him, i've been living as if i'm standing on quicksand. in the last 4-5 years, so much bitterness has come over me. i've been severely disappointed by people who were role models in my faith. and it's because i had raised up those people to a position they should never have been in, and i expected them to be super-human. so i began to associate those things, those people, that bitterness with God, when it was really only the sinful people who let me down, not God.

so i see God and think "hm.. i don't really know what i think. i know the bible says you're good and faithful and perfect and redeeming, but i don't see it. so i'm confused and i just don't know what to think anymore." and i live like i'm in quicksand.

man, i need to live in confidence. i'm standing on a rock. a huge, hard, immovable rock! why don't i live like that? i don't need to frantically scramble to keep my head above the sand, because i'm not even in sand to begin with.


so this is my encouragement...
live in the redemption that God has given you. stand on His promises, because they're true. don't let yourself doubt to the point that you doubt even the goodness of God. he is good all the time, whether we believe it or not.




that's all for now.
i'll keep you posted on the summer :)

healing.

a post from a couple of weeks ago that i left in edit mode without publishing...
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do you believe that God still heals people today?
do you actually pray for people to be healed?

i find myself praying that God would "guide the doctor's hands and give him wisdom." Or, "Lord, let the medicine work so that she can be well again."

and yet i never actually pray for God to heal them. i may say, "Lord, in know you are able, and if you are willing, would you make this person well again?"

but i don't entirely believe that God will heal them. i know that it's not dependent on my faith, but at the same time, i should know and understand that the power of God is bigger than any sickness.

is God colorblind?

this is the topic of our chapel services for the next two days. i'm excited! the members of embrace as well as urban majors, plus anyone else who wanted one, are all wearing t-shirts that say: "is God color blind?" it has already promoted quite a bit of discussion on campus, and brings up topics that otherwise are ignored. and the fact that they are ignored shows that we have a lot to work on.

one sign that is up near the student dining room says:

"I wonder why so many people think that I'm white.
- God"

i love it. i hope that discussion the next few days is good, and that clive as well as the guest speaker will be able to speak truth from the Bible about race, and about how much God wants us to embrace our diversity.

that's all for now.
my night is spent in the library.. i have way too much to do!!
-e

i want to write an update, but i don't have time.
so much has happened, and so many things i've been thinking about i want to write about!
but i nannied tonight, i have class tomorrow night, thursday and friday nights i nanny, and saturday i'm in milwaukee. sunday is catch-up day, and then every night next week is full too.. which means the days are filled with classes, pcm, and trying to fit in all the reading/papers/studying. ahh!
that's my minor panicking about this crazy semester.
i didn't think it could get much busier than last fall/spring. but it can! haha.
lovelove.

it's founders week.

founders week is here again! it's the week every year when moody cancels classes in light of sessions at moody church. preachers and speakers from across the country come to teach us, and it's just a really good time of learning. in general, it is a good relief from classes, since the things we learn are usually directly applicable to our lives, instead of theological ideas that take some processing before i can apply them. so far it's been great, though i've missed a few sessions because i haven't felt well the last two days.

huge praise::
i have a new nannying job!! it's super-flexible hours and two adorable kids. gavin is 2 years old, and reese is 8 weeks old... how precious! anyway, it's definitely a gift from the Lord. also the family i babysit for each weekend also offered me a few more hours each week during the week.. praise the Lord! seriously, i just forget sometimes that God is providing day by day. i even forgot that this job was an answer to prayer until i was just typing this. i guess it just shows how much and how often my focus is in the wrong place...

this weekend i'm hosting for CSM (the center for student missions). this is the organization where i did my internship this past summer. they asked if i would help out this weekend, and i accepted. little did i know how crazy this week would be and how crazy the next week is too! anyway, i'm happy to be able to help out.
at the same time, though, it feels like two of my worlds are colliding. well, three, actually. this weekend i'm combining my school life with my internship life - the volunteering and service is something that i still wanted to continue this spring, but it's strange to be hosting right in the middle of school-y things. i'm sure it'll be great, i'm just a little wary of being super-tired when i'm done on sunday, and not being ready for monday's classes.

like i said, three of my worlds are colliding. not only CSM and moody. but not NWC is coming into the mix. in a good way.
julia, sarah, and susan moved to chicago two weeks ago. a week ago, i got a call from them saying that they had just chosen their apartment, and, go figure, it's only 2 blocks from moody!! seriously, what are the chances?! i was excited. but now, as i'm spending time at their apartment, it's strange to remember what my life was like before, and what it's like now and how much the people in my life have influenced that. yet i'm learning from it, and i'm LOVING having them here!
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on a completely different note, i have so many doubts. so many fears. and i just don't think i know how to deal with it all. the thing is, i don't really want to address the issues, the questions, because i'm afraid of the answers i'll find. i'm afraid of the changes that i'll have to make, the things i'll have to give up. i'm just... afraid of so many things.

if i learn how to have extreme faith, then i know that God will use it - but i don't want him to! my nature tells me that living comfortably is just so simple and easy. but if i learn to have radical faith, then God will pull me from the comfortable and into something bigger, something more challenging. and i'd prefer to stay comfortable.

it's a backwards look, i think.. i mean, it should be a good thing to have a great faith, right? and i'm sure it is a good thing. but i don't want it. it's not a healthy way to look at it, because it means i'm shoving out everything that God is teaching me because i don't want to have to apply it in my future. so, logically, if i don't ever learn it, then God can't use it, right? and that's the logic i'm using, without even realizing until recently that i'm using it.

God, let me be willing to see you, to learn from you, to love you. to have a faith that isn't shattered by my own comforts...

this last week, i've found it especially hard to focus on God's goodness. not just to focus on it, but to remember it at all. it seems like every time i hit a hard spot in terms of financial well-being, suddenly i doubt God's ability to provide. in so many other ways, i just naturally have faith that God will provide. but not with money.

it's something that i've been struggling with a lot. if God is truly good as He says He is, and as i know Him to be, then He WILL provide. He always has in the past! so why do i doubt Him now?

in short, because i haven't worked for the last four months, i spent all of my money, except the $14.28 i have left, on textbooks for classes. and i don't have a job yet. i've been looking at craigslist and moody's part-time off-campus employment postings every single day and i have not yet found success, though i've sent out my resume dozens of times.

i know God will provide. He always does.

on a lighter note, my pcm (practical christian ministry) this semester is with young life chicago northside. i'll be helping with a program thing after school at a high school not too far from here.. i'm excited! i'll go just to observe on wednesday, and then i'll start being involved next week!

school is starting out well. it's taking quite a bit of adjusting to get used to things here again. to get used to studying again. to get used to dorm life again. and to make new friends again. it's interesting how quickly friend groups change...
that's all.

oh. and julia and sarah are moving to chicago next week!!! i am MORE than excited to have the crazy silliness of those two in my life again. i've missed it :(
in fact, i've been realizing more and more that my life at northwestern was truly wonderful. it was fun, full of friends, full of excitement and growth and learning, road-tripping and concerts, and just... beauty in the small things. i loved it. and i had the perfect job... de koffiehoek will always have a special place in my heart...
but i've moved on and i can't look back except to love and to learn. no regrets.

i love chicago, and i never would have discovered my love for the city had i not come here. God is doing a new thing :)

-e