Navigating.

Every few days, there are moments in which I think to myself: "Man, I'd love to write about that!"  And just as quickly as I think it, it gets pushed aside because something else is more pressing.

Here I am, a year since my last post, finally writing.

So much has changed.
I have been challenged.
I have changed.

Marriage does that to you.  It should do that to you.

I suppose it began before we even were officially married.  We were two very independent adults, living very independent lives.  Suddenly we were forever committed to a life that looked very, and naively unexpectedly, different.

I say "naively unexpectedly" because I thought I knew.  I thought I knew Jeremy well enough to know his flaws, to know how to respond well, and how to protect myself from getting hurt, because everyone who loves gets hurt.  I thought I had experienced enough, helped enough people, and maybe even learned enough to have a marriage without problems with conflict or strife, because I knew how to communicate well and to mediate conflict resolution.  Or so I thought.

I find myself, over and over again, marveling at and mourning over my own pride.

Marriage is not easy.  Not even a little bit.  Sure, the companionship and love are nice.  I like having someone to do life with, to find new hobbies with, to have fun with.  I like knowing that I get to arrive home to the arms of my husband to rest at the end of my far-too-often 16-hour weekdays of work and classes.

I also know that there are days I would rather spend alone, but I don't have that option anymore.  I know there are times when I'd like to go on a little shopping spree, but I don't have a full-time income and sole control of my finances anymore.  There are even times when I'd really like red sauce on my pasta, but open a jar of alfredo sauce instead, because I know Jeremy doesn't like red sauce.  I know it's a small thing.

Marriage changes things.  It means I actually have to give up what I want.  Not just be willing to compromise (because compromise is easy - I still get part of what I want) but willing to completely set aside what I desire for what is best for us.  Us is very different than me, because us isn't just about me.  It's about us together.

And for us it means a lot of changing.  It means that we work our conflict all the way through even when it's the hardest thing to do.  It means loving the other person enough to stop being defensive.  It means not always being right, even when you know you're right. :)

So we continue to navigate this marriage thing.  We continue changing and growing.  Walking over the rocks and around the boulders, sometimes being the helping hand, and other times needing the hand.  Sometimes burying the rocks, and other times building an altar of remembrance and praise.

This isn't easy, but it was never meant to be.
By the grace of God we will continue navigating. :)