people change, in big ways and small.  we all know this to be true.
and somehow our experiences shape those changes, sometimes quickly.  but some changes that happen are slowly, so slowly that we don't see them until someone else points it out to you.  or until it becomes so painfully obvious that you cannot possibly deny it.

the hardest of these changes are ones that involve your soul.  you allow yourself to go wayward, just once, and it avalanches into a pile of doubts, irreconcilable unless the Lord is at the center.  don't let it happen to you.

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on a completely different note.
TFA is no longer an option.  so... north park university, here i come! (hopefully.)

following the new Adam.

"By the tree of knowledge we are deprived of the tree of life - and should not the latter be dearer to us than the former[?] - we who are always following the example of the old Adam... [refusing] to become children like the new Adam, [who] assumed flesh and blood and took upon himself the Cross."
-J.G. Hamann

a friend of mine shared this quote with me a few days ago.  It explains so well how we look to knowledge rather than the giver of life.  something i've been thinking about a lot recently...

who God is.

often times, i need to be reminded of who God is.
we think of God in terms of what he does for us:  forgiver, redeemer, friend.  but God is not defined by how he relates to me.  he is God with or without me.  with or without my Christianity, God is God, and sometimes i get so wrapped up in how i'm feeling in relation to God that i base my recognition of his existence and character on how i experience him.

i was reminded this morning that God doesn't just give us a sense of fulfillment, of purpose.  if that were the case, he would really only be a wealthy benefactor.  he does not come in without changing you.

in john 6, people flocked to Jesus because of what he was doing.  catch that.. because of what he was doing.  so Jesus stopped and withdrew.  why?  because Jesus is the giver of life, the supreme Lord of creation, not just someone who meets our physical needs and makes us feel better.  if we see him as only meeting our needs, we will be hungry forever.

i think this is how i've seen God for a while now.  i saw him as the one who gives me confidence about future decisions.  the one who will work everything out by mid-december.  the one who... DOES things for me.  man oh man, am i off-base.

let's worship God for WHO he is.  not just for what he DOES for me.

God is so much bigger than our experience of him.

a day off...?

all of my classes were canceled today, so i ran errands, worked on some homework, and just relaxed.  until i get a text message at 3:45 reminding me that i was supposed to be at a nanny job 15 minutes before.
oops.

i should still look at my planner when classes are canceled.  luckily, it all worked out and they still made it to their appointments on time :)
never again...

six weeks

i have six weeks left here at moody. actually, almost five now.

and the future is so uncertain, i just don't even know what to think. i have one option for housing for spring that may or may not work out (but i'll know within a couple of weeks).
i have several options in chicago (though even those doors may be closing faster than i'd like).
and i have an internship option that could start next summer.
or teach for america. i have a phone interview on saturday with them.
or i could move home.

my heart races just thinking about all these options. and not the "oo, i'm so excited my heart is racing!" kind of racing. more like, "i think i'm going to have a heart attack" sort of racing. not a pretty feeling.

because i'm not sure what i want to do, i've been considering getting another nanny job to supplement the one i already have. and i'd like to work for starbucks or caribou part-time because they provide insurance. this wouldn't be long-term, but it's a quick-fix, and would give me time to think. my mom says i set my sights too low, which makes me feel like crap for even considering spending the next year of my life at starbucks.

on a much lighter note, i baked peanut butter oatmeal cookies with the girls today. watching a 1, 3, and 4-year old try to bake cookies is really funny. they could hardly even tip over the measuring cups to pour the flour into the mixing bowl. it was fun, and they turned out really well.

oh. and guess what??
i'm going to mexico in december with their family! crazy, i know. they're paying for everything, and they're even paying me to go with them. i'm really excited, though i'm not entirely sure what the expectation will be. they want to stay together as whole group the whole time, unless one of the girls needs a nap, in which case i'll go back to the room with them. not a whole lot of responsibility, from what they've told me.
we'll see...!!