sadness.

i got a call on thursday that started with:
"he's okay, but..."

those calls are never welcomed, rarely expected, and usually difficult to hear.
my dad went on:
"grandpa is in the hospital.  he had a stroke."

it was this time last year that grandpa cape's health started deteriorating so quickly.  this year it's grandpa forsman.  i pray it does not end so quickly.

how is it that sadness can affect us so deeply and so quickly?  where does it originate and why do i feel so much of it?  and then, how do you cope with it without forgetting about its source?

sometimes i find myself in a rut, where all i really want to do is come home, sit on the couch, and watch tv.  instead of reading or painting or cleaning or... anything else, really.  the last time i felt this way was when i was in italy.  i have been trying to figure out the correlation, but to no avail.  my life is quite a routine (similar to my time in italy), but i'm satisfied with it for the time being.

tonight beth and i ordered pictures from shutterfly to put up as artwork on our walls.  i'm excited to actually have some of my very own pictures up and framed!!  it makes me feel proud of myself and my limited experience with photography.  i often doubt my abilities, no matter what they are, but this will be a constant reminder that i do have something that i'm good at.

about every five minutes dave, the guy who lives downstairs, yells "hey!" in a really frustrated manner.  a relatively normal guy, i hope dave is talking to his dog, otherwise i'll question his sanity.

today i got puked on in a taxi.  after a great morning playing with katherine and audrey at this fabulous indoor playplace downtown, katherine had a headache, so we left.  we weren't in the cab 5 minutes before she throws up all over herself :(  after 10 minutes of a little girl's crying and yelling we finally arrive home to one of the most wonderful moms i know holding sanitizer spray, paper towels, a trash bag, and disinfectant wipes.  after getting the girls to bed, stacy and i sat down with cups of coffee and chatted... something we rarely get to do without the girls running around us.  overall it was a great, but pukey, day :)

moms, family, churches, and short stories.

as a nanny for two vastly different families, i see ways of parenting that i want to adopt for my own children, and things that i want to make sure i never do.  thinking about those things and hanging out with kids all the time, makes me want kids of my own.  ugh.  someday.  in the meantime, here's jake at the park yesterday morning:

i spent the day on saturday with my family in the milwaukee area having brunch at the cracker barrel, touring the jelly belly warehouse, and supporting my brother at his state honors choir audition.  i am constantly so proud of my little brother and sister.  it seems like every week they win something or get awards or get honors for something they've done.  maybe i should make myself a brag-book and carry in my purse with me everywhere.  i could pull it out on the bus and show my unsuspecting neighbors my family.  though i think i would have to age about 45 years before i'd feel comfortable doing that!

today is warm and sunny.  by warm i mean it's about 40 degrees.  i heard birds chirping this morning and i look forward to spring.  i want to enjoy my walk to the bus/train.  i want to wear sandals and sit in the grass.  sigh.  spring cannot come too soon.

for valentine's day, i went with steff to a valentine's sweetheart banquet down in hyde park.  steff is friends with the pastor of the church called city light international assembly.  despite my doubts, the banquet was a lot of fun.  it turns out that nearly the entire church is nigerian and some of the most friendly people i've ever met.  they seem to have a love for the Lord that just... sparkles?  maybe that's not the word, but you get the idea.  one girl did some stand-up comedy, there was a couples dancing contest, and then we had a little dance party!  it was great.

being with this body of believers made me question, yet again, my choice of a church.  it's so hard to prioritize what to look for in a church and then to know which is the right one.  these people, for example, have hearts that love like crazy, they are so full of life, and i know i would be embraced right into their congregation (in fact, i kind of already have been welcomed in!).  on the other hand, the church that i currently worship at has great preaching, great music, but a very large congregation in which it is nearly impossible to know everyone, and the people that i DO know are almost all the same kind of person i am... middle-class 20-somethings.  how will i ever learn and grow if i am never with people who are different than i?  i've gone over this so many times...

for my curriculum development class, i'm working on a short story unit.  my original plan included some of the greatest short stories ever written (in my opinion), yet it wasn't enough.  somehow i forgot my audience.  for a diverse school district, i need a diverse lesson plan that uses stories from several different cultures.  so here my search begins :)

"what is your dream?"

i always ride the train and then a bus to get home after work (to get anywhere, in fact).  this day, a few weeks ago, was no exception.  i was keeping to myself on the bus with my purse and grocery bag on my lap, when a boy came and sat next to me.  he asks me "what's your name?" and then skips the small talk to ask me, "what is your dream?"
i was taken aback by the depth of this 11-year-old's question.  without knowing it, he had hit a spot deep within me that hadn't been probed in quite some time, a part of my heart that i nearly forgot was there.  why am i in the city?  was i an urban ministries major simply to get finished with my undergrad?  no, certainly there was more reason behind it than that, i just needed a small boy's reminder to redirect my mind.

thank you friendly future nascar driver.  you unknowingly inspired me.

i'm happy in a way that i haven't been in a long time.  life isn't hurried, it just walks along with me, and i like where it's going.  usually i'm just pushing for the next thing, living today so that i can get to tomorrow.  but now each day is its own.