how easily we forget...

i lose focus so easily..
i dream dreams and lose them so easily..
i have passion and i lose it so easily..

i used to be passionate about social justice issues.  i used to believe i could affect change.  i used to, as my ironically-favorite quote says: "dream great dreams and find the courage to live them."  and somehow that has been lost.

i see the utter depravity of this world and its systems and see that my little bit of input is not going to do much.  so instead of looking to the God who i know is more powerful than all of that, i look to myself and what i am capable of doing.  which ends up being small dreams, not bad dreams, just small ones.

in church yesterday, pastor peter talked about the quote "God will never give us more than we can handle."
um.... whoever said that was wrong.  very very wrong.  why? you ask..  well, just look at david, the shepherd: "hey you, yeah you little guy, go kill a giant and become king."  moses, the stutterer: "go deliver my people, okay?  you can do it!"  mary, the 15-year-old virgin: "go get pregnant by the Holy Spirit.  the fate of the world is on your shoulders."

did God really say any of those things?  no way!  God said "you can't.  but I can."

why do we set our goals, our dreams, so low when God is capable of so much more?  no, of course we can't do great things, but GOD CAN!  how easily we forget the power of the God who redeemed us.


i used to dream of opening a shelter for teenage girls.  runaways, victims of abuse, teenage mothers...  anyone who was hurting, needed a place to stay, and just needed love.
and then "reality" hit and i saw all of the legal issues involved.  i saw how devastating that kind of work is.
i chose to forget how powerful God is in all of this.  i chose to forget that it's not about what i am capable of.  it's not about what i'm emotionally able to handle.  this is a dream that may or may not be realized, but it's one that i need to give to the Lord.

to be completely honest, i'm terrified of its potential realization, because of the heavy responsibility that comes with it.  and yet i can't lose it - five years later and i just cannot forget about this little freshman-in-college-dreaming-big dream.

what are your dreams?  big dreams, that seem impossible so you push them back and choose not to think about them...  just imagine what GOD can do with that dream and a person who has the courage to give it up to the One who has the power to make it happen.

life.

the sun is shining, the music is playing, people are out and about..
it is a beautiful day.

i find myself in wonder and the possibilities of the summer ahead.  i may not have a lot of free time, but the festivals, the concerts, the trips are all so exciting.  in july, i will be visiting friends from northwestern, and that will definitely be a highlight, but there is so much more around it!

andrea talks about life being lived in small moments.  we need to enjoy each one of them.  why develop a routine, when each day can be different, can be exciting, and full of life?  while i understand there can be life within a routine, when i have one, i find myself becoming bored.  i need a little more excitement, to take initiative to make that happen.  what is life, if not to live it well?

*interjection - super creepy man in a big black van sitting outside starbucks.  gives me the shivers!*

changes.

spring is ending quickly, and that means my annual two-week bout of allergies is officially kicking in.  this is why i am still awake... my nose won't stop running.  ugh.

i see myself changing a lot in the last year or so.  i see my attitude changing toward the future, i see my goals changing, and more importantly, i see the motivation for my goals changing.  suddenly i prefer a comfortable life over one of meaning.  as my financial resources drastically increased when i started working full-time in january, i see my preferences changing to nicer things, more expensive things, when i could really just buy it used on craigslist or ebay.

i also noticed that i lack compassion.  i know the right things to say, and if i can really directly relate to what is being said, i can be compassionate, but it's not real and consistent.  i used to care so much, too much, i think.  i would delve myself into the lives of others.  in particular, there was one girl who i poured hundreds of hours into.  phone calls into the wee hours of the morning, emergency calls when i was hanging out with friends, e-mails nearly every hour, trips to the county police, and countless tears... i cared deeply about this girl.  it turned out that about three-quarters of what she was "dealing with" was a lie.

the funny thing was, when she told me the truth, i wasn't even upset.  all i could say was "i forgive you."  and i truly think i did forgive her.

but it changed me.

ever since, i've given my heart to no one.  at least not like i did before.  my compassion is limited to my words, and i don't fully engage with the things people bring to me to talk about.  have i lost the ability to love?  the ability to be in real, honest relationship?

maybe i need to go to counseling.
but for now?  i need to sleep.  hopefully the allergies will subside long enough to make that possible!