changes.

spring is ending quickly, and that means my annual two-week bout of allergies is officially kicking in.  this is why i am still awake... my nose won't stop running.  ugh.

i see myself changing a lot in the last year or so.  i see my attitude changing toward the future, i see my goals changing, and more importantly, i see the motivation for my goals changing.  suddenly i prefer a comfortable life over one of meaning.  as my financial resources drastically increased when i started working full-time in january, i see my preferences changing to nicer things, more expensive things, when i could really just buy it used on craigslist or ebay.

i also noticed that i lack compassion.  i know the right things to say, and if i can really directly relate to what is being said, i can be compassionate, but it's not real and consistent.  i used to care so much, too much, i think.  i would delve myself into the lives of others.  in particular, there was one girl who i poured hundreds of hours into.  phone calls into the wee hours of the morning, emergency calls when i was hanging out with friends, e-mails nearly every hour, trips to the county police, and countless tears... i cared deeply about this girl.  it turned out that about three-quarters of what she was "dealing with" was a lie.

the funny thing was, when she told me the truth, i wasn't even upset.  all i could say was "i forgive you."  and i truly think i did forgive her.

but it changed me.

ever since, i've given my heart to no one.  at least not like i did before.  my compassion is limited to my words, and i don't fully engage with the things people bring to me to talk about.  have i lost the ability to love?  the ability to be in real, honest relationship?

maybe i need to go to counseling.
but for now?  i need to sleep.  hopefully the allergies will subside long enough to make that possible!