spring is ending quickly, and that means my annual two-week bout of allergies is officially kicking in. this is why i am still awake... my nose won't stop running. ugh.
i see myself changing a lot in the last year or so. i see my attitude changing toward the future, i see my goals changing, and more importantly, i see the motivation for my goals changing. suddenly i prefer a comfortable life over one of meaning. as my financial resources drastically increased when i started working full-time in january, i see my preferences changing to nicer things, more expensive things, when i could really just buy it used on craigslist or ebay.
i also noticed that i lack compassion. i know the right things to say, and if i can really directly relate to what is being said, i can be compassionate, but it's not real and consistent. i used to care so much, too much, i think. i would delve myself into the lives of others. in particular, there was one girl who i poured hundreds of hours into. phone calls into the wee hours of the morning, emergency calls when i was hanging out with friends, e-mails nearly every hour, trips to the county police, and countless tears... i cared deeply about this girl. it turned out that about three-quarters of what she was "dealing with" was a lie.
the funny thing was, when she told me the truth, i wasn't even upset. all i could say was "i forgive you." and i truly think i did forgive her.
but it changed me.
ever since, i've given my heart to no one. at least not like i did before. my compassion is limited to my words, and i don't fully engage with the things people bring to me to talk about. have i lost the ability to love? the ability to be in real, honest relationship?
maybe i need to go to counseling.
but for now? i need to sleep. hopefully the allergies will subside long enough to make that possible!
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