getting it right.

I picked up my Bible today and decided to continue my "Participants Guide" to Tim Keller's book Gospel Christianity.  While I haven't read the book and don't own the book, this Participants Guide is an eye-opening reminder of who God is and who I am in relation to Him.

I came across this quote:

We all automatically gravitate toward the assumption that we are justified by our level of sanctification, and when this posture is adopted, it inevitably focuses our attention not on Christ but on the adequacy of our own obedience.  We start each day with our personal security not resting on the accepting love of God and the sacrifice of Christ but on our present feelings or recent achievements in the Christian's life.  Since these arguments will not quiet the human conscience, we are inevitably moved either to discouragement and apathy or to a self-righteousness [some form of idolatry] which falsifies the record to achieve a sense of peace...
--from Richard Lovelace's Dynamics of Spiritual Life

I have studied Scripture, I understand a good bit of theology and have read the works of a number of biblical scholars.  While in high school, I leaned toward the side of self-righteousness.  When I left Green Bay, my eyes were opened to the sin I engaged (though at the time, I wouldn't have called it idolatry).  Over the last five years, the pendulum has made a full swing to the side of discouragement and apathy.  Why?  Because I realize just how futile my actions are, how unworthy I am, and how little this biblical knowledge is worth in the grand scheme of things.

In that discouragement, however, I decided not to go to the Saviour, not to fall at the Master's feet, but to choose a new career path.  Being a teacher and helping to bridge the Achievement Gap would surely bring new meaning to my life.  I had a new motivation to do good and help those who are unfairly treated in the educational system on the basis of their socioeconomic status.  Jesus cared about the marginalized, and so should I... right?

And this became my idol as I pursued a Masters of Education.  In this pursuit, I came to see, yet again, that my motivations were impure - I was not in it to glorify God, but to do what I thought was right and good and to improve the world as we know it.  Sigh.  Will I ever get this right?

So here I sit.  Without a Masters degree in sight.  Without a career to pursue.  No big plans to look forward to.  With nothing but a need and desire to know my Lord better, and all the time in the world to pursue it.  I need this time, and God knew it.  All of this doubt and indecision came from Him, but I must not let apathy come to rule again.  It has come and held its power, but now is the time for me to lose that idol of doubt and embrace the life of faith that God has secured in Jesus Christ.



Lord forgive us when we get consumed by the things of this world,
That fight for our love, and our passion,
As our eyes are open wide and on you.
Grant us the privilege of your world view,
And may your kingdom be, what wakes us up, and lays us down.

--From Toby Mac's "Lose My Soul"