anxiety.

anx-i-e-ty
noun; plural -ties
1.  distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune.
2.  Psychiatry.  a state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder.

It's pretty common, I think, to be anxious.  The mind races, the heart flutters, and the stomach turns over.  The situation is different for each person, though.  For some, public speaking causes anxiety.  For others, uncomfortable situations.  Still others experience anxiety when remembering past events.

For me?  It's playing piano in front of people who I don't feel entirely comfortable with.  It's being in a big group of people who are all talking at the same time.  It's overwhelming for me and I do whatever I can to remove myself from the situation.

This happened this weekend.  I was playing piano when some friends came to pick me up.  They wanted to hear me play, so I obliged.  I began to play a song and I froze.  My mind was racing so fast that my fingers couldn't touch the right keys and my eyes fluttered across the music, not even perceiving the notes written on the page.

My question is:  why?
Why do I get anxious?  Where does it come from, and why does it only affect me in certain situations?

Amy tells me that it comes from fear.  Fear of what, though?  Of people?  Of what they'll think?
I think I'm pretty self-conscious of how I play piano.  That I find it to be crucial to one's perception of me.  If I can't play piano well, then one's view of me may change.  And that's not truth.  Seriously.  Why would anyone's like or dislike of me change based on my ability to play the piano?  And yet that's what I allow myself to believe.  This fear causes anxiety.

That must be why I only like to play piano when it's by myself.  When it's for my own enjoyment and therapeutic benefit.  It helps me to process and to de-stress.

One time I played for a while with a friend listening and it was fine.  I think it's because I was so comfortable with her already, and then I eventually forgot she was even there.  I'm not fearful around her to be myself; I'm not fearful to make mistakes; and I know that her perception of me wouldn't change based on how I played.  Sigh.  Then why am I so fearful of others?

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, present your requests to God."
Let this truth sink in.  Why do we live in spirits of fear when we serve a God who can calm any storm, who "casts out all fear"?

"We are not given a spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of power and love and a sound mind."