it's founders week.

founders week is here again! it's the week every year when moody cancels classes in light of sessions at moody church. preachers and speakers from across the country come to teach us, and it's just a really good time of learning. in general, it is a good relief from classes, since the things we learn are usually directly applicable to our lives, instead of theological ideas that take some processing before i can apply them. so far it's been great, though i've missed a few sessions because i haven't felt well the last two days.

huge praise::
i have a new nannying job!! it's super-flexible hours and two adorable kids. gavin is 2 years old, and reese is 8 weeks old... how precious! anyway, it's definitely a gift from the Lord. also the family i babysit for each weekend also offered me a few more hours each week during the week.. praise the Lord! seriously, i just forget sometimes that God is providing day by day. i even forgot that this job was an answer to prayer until i was just typing this. i guess it just shows how much and how often my focus is in the wrong place...

this weekend i'm hosting for CSM (the center for student missions). this is the organization where i did my internship this past summer. they asked if i would help out this weekend, and i accepted. little did i know how crazy this week would be and how crazy the next week is too! anyway, i'm happy to be able to help out.
at the same time, though, it feels like two of my worlds are colliding. well, three, actually. this weekend i'm combining my school life with my internship life - the volunteering and service is something that i still wanted to continue this spring, but it's strange to be hosting right in the middle of school-y things. i'm sure it'll be great, i'm just a little wary of being super-tired when i'm done on sunday, and not being ready for monday's classes.

like i said, three of my worlds are colliding. not only CSM and moody. but not NWC is coming into the mix. in a good way.
julia, sarah, and susan moved to chicago two weeks ago. a week ago, i got a call from them saying that they had just chosen their apartment, and, go figure, it's only 2 blocks from moody!! seriously, what are the chances?! i was excited. but now, as i'm spending time at their apartment, it's strange to remember what my life was like before, and what it's like now and how much the people in my life have influenced that. yet i'm learning from it, and i'm LOVING having them here!
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on a completely different note, i have so many doubts. so many fears. and i just don't think i know how to deal with it all. the thing is, i don't really want to address the issues, the questions, because i'm afraid of the answers i'll find. i'm afraid of the changes that i'll have to make, the things i'll have to give up. i'm just... afraid of so many things.

if i learn how to have extreme faith, then i know that God will use it - but i don't want him to! my nature tells me that living comfortably is just so simple and easy. but if i learn to have radical faith, then God will pull me from the comfortable and into something bigger, something more challenging. and i'd prefer to stay comfortable.

it's a backwards look, i think.. i mean, it should be a good thing to have a great faith, right? and i'm sure it is a good thing. but i don't want it. it's not a healthy way to look at it, because it means i'm shoving out everything that God is teaching me because i don't want to have to apply it in my future. so, logically, if i don't ever learn it, then God can't use it, right? and that's the logic i'm using, without even realizing until recently that i'm using it.

God, let me be willing to see you, to learn from you, to love you. to have a faith that isn't shattered by my own comforts...