i will not back down.

Last night I broke the handle of a mug of the girl who intimidates me the most.  I was trying to care for her, to help her fall asleep by making her some chamomile and peppermint tea.  I saw it as the opportunity I had been praying for, to get to know her a little bit better.  And then I end up breaking her mug.

I was terrified of the response she may have, as she's been known to escalate quickly.  She once spit all over another Big's things because she was mad at her.  But I had been praying for a chance to see her softer side, to see who she was beneath the scary front she puts up.  So when I walked back into the room, timid and fearful, and apologized, her response was calm, rational, even flippant, but thankful for the tea anyways.

Why had I not given her the benefit of the doubt?  I mean, having a history of anger and violence does not guarantee that it will be the response in every situation, does it?  There is a real person, a hurting person, beneath the hard exterior, and I intend to dig in.  God has not given up on her, and neither will I.  It's what I'm here for, and I will not back down from it.
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I appreciate my time off so much more when it doesn't happen every night.  When we get three hours off in the afternoon and I'm able to go out to lunch with some of the other Bigs, it makes for a great release, a happy interlude to the day of chaos.

Granted, it is spring break right now, so the kids don't have school, which means they go to bed later, and we are with them all day long, planning activities and keeping tabs on their every move, making their meals and cleaning up after their meals, and, well, doing everything.  They start school again on Tuesday, when the schedule will go back to normal.  Then we will have time (though it be in class and at meals..) with the other Bigs.

I am assigned to night coverage starting this Tuesday night.  It's the first real, assigned responsibility I've had so far, and I'm excited/nervous for it!  All it means is checking the girls' rooms in my wing every 10 minutes to make sure they are in bed and make sure their reading lights are out 15 minutes after bedtime.  Simple as it is, it means more contact with the girls.  It means doing something that contributes to this place in a tangible way.

This week I finished my kitchen training (minus the observation shifts, to be scheduled over the next few weeks) and I did my van training, so I can now drive the Shelterwood vehicles so I can take girls on one-on-ones if I want to.  Soo good.  Wednesday is med training, where I learn how to properly dispense the medication that these girls take on a daily basis - another way to tangibly help out in the house.

Sigh.  So much goes into doing this job.  I aspire to be a lifelong learner, whether it be deepening the knowledge I already have, or learning about new things.  I am thankful that I can learn so much here. :)