perception.

Sometimes I wonder why I work here.
Then I think about leaving and can't quite bear the thought of it.
Quite the paradox.

But here's the thing.  I can see my time here as awful, as hard, as masochism at its best.  Or as a time to love unconditionally, to be stretched, and to experience redemption.  I can choose to see it as one of these or the other, but it is my choice and I cannot choose both.

On one hand, I get cussed out regularly, I watch girls go into the bathroom after meals to throw up and am nearly powerless to stop them, I hear conversations about how much they hate the place whose primary purpose is to help them, I hear the girls talk about partying and doing drugs together after they leave here, I receive frequent demands that display profound selfishness, and a complete disregard for other.  It's as if I put myself in a position to be trampled on, to be hurt, to be broken.  Masochism?  Perhaps.

On the other hand, there is so much beauty in what happens here.  These teens come here in shambles, hearts torn apart, confused, and misdirected.  When they arrive, we are able to come alongside them, show them Jesus, help reconcile them to their families and to themselves, work through their issues and bring them to wholeness again.  When I hear girls encouraging another not to make the same mistakes that they did, it shows me that there is hope.  When I hear girls say that they've decided to follow God, I see the beauty of redemption so much more clearly.  When girls are preparing to graduate the program and they talk about how hard their transition out of here will be, I see their long-term dedication to change and it brings me joy.

Daily, I see God at work in big ways and small, and I must choose, each day, to dwell on those things rather than on the hard.  Moment by moment.

The key to all of this is in our perception.  We could see crisis as a dangerous deterrent from progress, or we can see it as opportunity for growth.  We can see a meal we don't like as a personal attack from the cook, or we can see it as a way to learn to like something new or be creative with the food that's available.  We can see road construction as a deterrent, an inconvenience, or we can see it as a means of learning patience.  Following someone to a place where I am unsure how to get there could be a reason to be frustrated and impatient, or it can build trust, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt.

The same is true of the food we eat.  There are people who absolutely love sushi, and then there's me who couldn't swallow the seaweed wrap for the life of me.  Some people put mayonnaise on every kind of food they eat, while others cannot stand even the sight of it.  We are all created differently, all have different past experiences that shape who we are, and we all perceive differently.  It's beautiful, really, but those who consistently perceive things in a negative light will lead a miserable life in a dreary, self-centered world that will bring others down with it.

Be aware of how you perceive things.  Find the positive in every circumstance.  Keep an open mind to learning, always asking yourself what you could be gleaning from the situation, instead of finding things wrong with it and dwelling there.

Life is what you make it.  Each circumstance is as positive or negative as you make it.

Though sometimes I think back to this childishly profound Leave it to Beaver quote:
"Sometimes things are just so messed up there's just nothing left to do but cry."

Oi.  I think I just contradicted some of what I just wrote.  But you get the point..