could be

The struggle to find your niche is not only a middle school I'm-figuring-out-my-identity issue.  No, in fact, it begins as early as kindergarten, potentially even sooner.

Little Katherine started kindergarten on Monday.  While many of the other children had attended the 3- and 4-year-old preschool, Katherine did not, because the family values free play and home education during those years.  As she begins her journey through this small Catholic school, she finds herself surrounded by people who are already friends, children who have found their niche at this particular school.

As I think about her struggle to find friends, it reminds me of my own struggle to find my niche.  I'm not entirely sure where I belong.  Am I really a big city girl?  Or am I better suited for the small-town feel of a city like Green Bay?  Should I really be in grad school?  Who do I want to be in three years and how do I get there?

This fight to find my identity begins and ends in Christ.  At least it should.  I know that I am a child of God.  I bear the responsibility of living well and doing everything for the glory of God.  I bear the privilege of knowing my creator and seeking Him in all things.  I know that I am redeemed and that whatever I do that is true and right and noble will, indeed, glorify God.  Right now, what I do, caring for these three beautiful girls, glorifies God.  But I have to wonder, where is the next step?  How long is it okay for me to be indecisive.  It has been only a few days since making the decision to postpone graduate school (and potentially drop out... sigh.) and I'm already restless for answers.

So here I sit with the future staring me in the face.  Last November I decided to run for it, full force, without knowing quite where I was going, but full-force nonetheless.  This resulted in my application for a Masters of Education program where I decided I would teach.  I just... decided.  Did I think through it?  Perhaps, but certainly not fully.  If I had, I would have seen how entirely spontaneous (and wrong) the decision was.  Instead, I had to get eight months into the program, completely stressed out and ready for combustion, before I realized my mistake.  I don't know that I really want to teach, at least not secondary English, as I had thought.

So here I begin again my quest for "the next thing."  I feel a responsibility to make decisions quickly so that I don't have long periods of uncertainty.  This time, however, will be different.  I have already decided to take a period of rest, a time to de-stress, to process my time at college, to think through things, to do what I enjoy.

There's another thing - What do I really enjoy?  Besides work, homework, classes, and talking with friends, I haven't had a spare moment for a hobby.  What used to be my hobbies may no longer be what I love, but then what DO I love?  Or, better yet, what could I love?  What are those things that I have never tried, but have always wanted to?  I've thought about taking guitar lessons or a photography class. Perhaps a painting class or even dance lessons.  The options bring me the joy of possibility - the could be's of life.

Let this year be one that turns the could be's into reality.