six weeks

i have six weeks left here at moody. actually, almost five now.

and the future is so uncertain, i just don't even know what to think. i have one option for housing for spring that may or may not work out (but i'll know within a couple of weeks).
i have several options in chicago (though even those doors may be closing faster than i'd like).
and i have an internship option that could start next summer.
or teach for america. i have a phone interview on saturday with them.
or i could move home.

my heart races just thinking about all these options. and not the "oo, i'm so excited my heart is racing!" kind of racing. more like, "i think i'm going to have a heart attack" sort of racing. not a pretty feeling.

because i'm not sure what i want to do, i've been considering getting another nanny job to supplement the one i already have. and i'd like to work for starbucks or caribou part-time because they provide insurance. this wouldn't be long-term, but it's a quick-fix, and would give me time to think. my mom says i set my sights too low, which makes me feel like crap for even considering spending the next year of my life at starbucks.

on a much lighter note, i baked peanut butter oatmeal cookies with the girls today. watching a 1, 3, and 4-year old try to bake cookies is really funny. they could hardly even tip over the measuring cups to pour the flour into the mixing bowl. it was fun, and they turned out really well.

oh. and guess what??
i'm going to mexico in december with their family! crazy, i know. they're paying for everything, and they're even paying me to go with them. i'm really excited, though i'm not entirely sure what the expectation will be. they want to stay together as whole group the whole time, unless one of the girls needs a nap, in which case i'll go back to the room with them. not a whole lot of responsibility, from what they've told me.
we'll see...!!

pomegranate.

every pomegranate has exactly 840 seeds. 840 little sacs of pomegranate juice/fruit. amazing? i think so.

two years ago, i vowed to buy the next pomegranate i came across. i haven't seen them since, until today! i bought two of them. they're my favorite fruit, by far. sure, they take work to eat, but it makes you appreciate each piece even more. mmgood.

heidi once told me that she liked a pomegranate because it was an analogy of life. you take one little bite at a time, and you'll be fine. but if you try to take the whole thing all at once, and you'll never get it down. it reminds me to take life slowly and enjoy each bite :)

because my dreams are bursting at the seams

every time i put on owl city's music, it puts me in a happy trance-like mode. sometimes it helps me to focus on my reading/studying, but sometimes it just wraps me in the music itself. tonight it's the song fireflies:

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

'Cause they'd fill the open air
And leave teardrops everywhere
You'd think me rude
But I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe
That planet earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
Because my dreams are bursting at the seams

this is the part that gets me. sometimes i think i dwell so much on dreaming that i don't really live. i look to the future and don't enjoy today for what it is, or i see going to bed at night as an indicator of the success of my day. did i make it through? did i get everything done that i needed to get done? instead of thinking about what i did to make a difference today. or what i said to make someone feel special today. what i learned today.

man, there are so many things that we miss out on because we're so focused on the future and just making it through another day.

today i had a chai tea misto from starbucks and then hung out at CSM with tim and kelly for a little while. i haven't seen them in a couple of months, so it was about time i visit. and that's my "living for today" for today.


also, if you think of me, pray for decision-making. i have a lot of it coming up here really quickly. do i get a teaching certificate? or a masters + teaching certification? what subject area do i want to teach? (i'm thinking literature..) i don't know. too many things to think about.
and what if i get accepted to TFA? man oh man. i'm so tempted to decline because it would be hard.
hmph. that's all for now.
still in owl city trance-mode. ha.

home.

meet my family. ashleigh, kristen, daniel, timothy, me, grandma, and grandpa.
(notice the packer game on the tv screen. ha.)
side note: i think it's funny that we always take family pictures in front of our big family picture that hangs over the fireplace.


i'm at home for the weekend.. a great time with my family.
my grandparents are visiting, too! my mom's parents, the ones from north dakota. they are some of the most caring people i know. my grandpa, the most patient. my grandma, the cutest. meet them:

tonight my dad was burning the video camera material onto a dvd. my grandpa was watching to figure out what this new gadget could do. grandma said to me, "well, they'd better be careful with all that electricity! why, just one little spark could cause a fire!" my mom and i had a good secret laugh over it.

i love my grandparents so much. which is also why it's so hard to see them age. grandma is just so forgetful. within five minutes, she asked three times if we wanted her to lock things up for the night. just an example of her forgetfulness.

on saturday night, we all had dinner together and grandpa made potato balls! they're like dumplings with small pieces of ham in the middle. you eat them with bacon, on the side, and the bacon grease poured over the top of the potato balls. it may sound a little sickening, but it's actually amazing. really. here's grandpa hard at work:
mom made the bacon. grandpa took about 2 minutes of staring at it to finally decide not to eat any bacon before sitting down for dinner. it took a little encouraging from his wife. ha.

anyways, we play cards. lots and lots of cards. and scrabble. one thing i love about my family is their love for games. unless maybe i love games because i was brought up with them? probably both.

well. that's the saga so far.
two more days :) tomorrow is full of appointments before i'm kicked off my parents' insurance. and writing a paper. meh.
i like the comfortableness of home. hm.

i hope your weekends have been wonderful, too :)

wounds only heal in time.

katelyn came to visit this weekend. it was great to have an old friend come, because i don't have to explain myself. she knows me, she knows my family, and it's just... comfortable. we painted pottery, ate berry chill, watched moody guys make fools of themselves on stage, went to church, went shopping, and ate amazing specialty cupcakes. overall, a good weekend :)

i still hold deep resentment toward the church i grew up at. at the mention of the pastor, i cringe. at the thought of what i became as a result of attending there, i am thankful that i left the church and changed by the grace of God. i'm not resentful of the members of the church, only of the pastor and how things ended. things were said that should never ever in any circumstance be said to a brother or sister in Christ (or anyone at all, for that matter).

i guess i just didn't realize how deeply my resentment ran until teresa, katelyn, and i started talking about the church (which their families still attend) on saturday night. i was really hurt by the church and it still influences the way that i see churches and the way that i chose which church to go to.

something in me just won't let it go. i know that humans are humans, and pastors mess up too. but sometimes things hit too hard to just let go.

are we supposed to forgive even if the other person is not repentant of what they've done? are they even aware of the hurt they've caused? pastors are held to a higher standard, are they not? so many questions. so many wounds. so hard to process.

in time...

"i'm going to go quit my job."

a strange thing happened today.
i was nannying, and the dad happened to be around this morning to take one of the girls to a tennis lesson. after lunch, as he walks out the door wearing sweatpants, t-shirt, trenchcoat, and carrying a briefcase, he says this simple sentence: "i'm going to go quit my job." and he was serious.

it shocked me a bit at first that he would say it so nonchalantly. so i asked if he was really serious and why. a short talk later and he was out the door. stacy explained it a bit later when she arrived home, but the amount of faith this family has astounds me. in a job market like this, to just quit a job? he says he might just be a barista for a while :) (he did make me a fabulous cappuccino this morning...)

as i look at the next two and a half months, i see change, and lots of it. i'll be graduating, moving out of moody housing, never to be a traditional student again. it actually makes my stomach turn to think about it. but i'm at least a little more certain the direction that i'm going, though i'm not entirely positive where i'll be as of mid-december.

clive told me yesterday that i'm like a mule. i'll work hard doing the work that most other people don't want to do. i'm still not exactly sure how to take this or how to apply to my future career (the topic of our whole conversation). it'll come with time, i'm sure.

all that to say.. i wish i was more like the creswells and was completely calm about the future even though things are entirely uncertain. it just.. scares me.

sister, sister.

i cried watching an old episode of sister, sister today. you know, the old tia and tamara mowry show? lame, right? well, tyrone (i think was his name) was a high school drop out who is now a good mechanic, but he wanted more than anything to get his GED. he failed the pretest, but then worked really hard with the help of tia and tamara to study for the real test.

when he announced that he passed his test, i teared up. for real. the thing is, this isn't a one-time occurrence... i cry at parts of movies that don't even phase other people, but i never connected them before.

a dream realized is a beautiful thing.. something that one longs for so deeply, works so hard for, and then finally it becomes reality. to see that happen moves me so profoundly that i cry. crazy? maybe.

thus, the reason i cried during an episode of sister, sister :)